Lisa’s Journey
After 23 years of marriage, I am a widow at age 43.
I am also a mother of two teenage boys. My husband died last year of pancreatic cancer. With only those three sentences you can imagine that I have had some inner conflict with the concept of God’s Will! I sometimes have questions, but I have learned to just TRUST HIM… not that I am able to do that every minute of every day… but I always come back to that conclusion!
My husband was given a life expectancy of 4 - 9 months. He lived 2 years and 4 months. For me that was a miracle in itself. That gave my boys two years more to spend with their Daddy and to mature some. While it is never easy to lose a parent, I believe that God gave us more time to deal with it.
When the boys have expressed questions, I have tried to make them see things differently by telling them to be thankful for the two years they had because he could have been killed instantly in a car wreck. I have tried to adopt a more positive outlook in all areas of my life because life is too short to dwell on the negative.
As for God’s Will, I do believe that He provides, protects, and loves us so much that He knows what is truly BEST for us… even if there are some “not so pleasant” events in our lives. Our small minds can’t wrap around the “BIG” picture of all the ways our lives are a witness to others,
especially while we are going through the storm.
During my husband’s illness there were literally hundreds (maybe thousands) of people praying for us. Those people who “watched” our lives during those 2 years and 4 months learned from the events and we learned much as well. There were MANY lessons. We were actually able to “feel” the prayers on our behalf. It was incredible. People watched how we dealt with the situation and admired our strength. They told us so.
My attitude was not always the best. I learned how stress and fear can make you physically ill. I was very concerned about paying bills and raising two teenage boys alone! But I felt I had to be the strong one for everyone else. I learned that we really are NOT in control of anything. God is in control of EVERYTHING! I learned to rely on Him more and to LISTEN to Him more — not just pray TO Him.
I can’t even tell you how my husband dealt with facing death at the age of 43 and having to find a way to say goodbye to his boys. They were his reason for living. Maybe that is what kept him fighting for that long? (He was 45 when he died.)
I now believe that death is not the end but only a door… a door leading to an eternity with our God who loves us so much. I also believe there are worse things than dying… not that I am in any hurry to experience death… but I am not afraid of it anymore.
Life may not be great all the time, but I believe there are SO MANY things to be thankful for that I don’t want to spend my limited time on this Earth complaining about what is not “right”. Besides, my version of “right” could be very wrong anyway!
One last note… it was a great comfort to me when a friend told me that it is perfectly normal to have emotional highs and lows during and after our family’s crisis. I would sometimes feel anger, sadness, relief,guilt, fear, anxiety, depression and sometimes all of them at once! God is there during all of those feelings. I learned He is ALWAYS there,we just have to quit trying to do it all ourselves and depend on Him.
When my husband was dying I didn’t know if he heard me but I told him that we would be alright and to just “LET GO”. I have had to take that advice myself many times… sometimes daily! I now have a better understanding of the phrase “Let go, and let God.”
Lisa
Note: From time to time, this newsletter will include comments submitted by others, who are willing to share experiences and insights from their own spiritual journeys. Today’s message is from Lisa, one of our subscribers. Lisa originally sent her comments in response to the message about God’s Will (November 9, 2007) but she explained that her comments touched on other issues as well.
In these segments, we reserve the right to change the name of the Contributor to protect the person’s privacy. In addition, the views expressed are those of the Contributor, which may or may not coincide with the views of the publisher of this newsletter.