Learning to Listen
If you’re like me, you’ve read countless articles on the importance of listening. You’ve heard dozens of relationship experts explain that spouses need to listen to each other to develop a strong marriage.
We know listening is important. We know that it enhances our relationships with others, at home and in the workplace. Yet we also know how tough it is to become a better listener. We make a little progress here and there, but few among us will claim to have mastered the art of listening.
Consider the following scenarios:
You begin to tell someone that you daughter just left to start college. Before you get five seconds into the story, the other person interrupts, saying “When MY daughter went to college…”
You begin to tell someone that your back is hurting. Before you get five seconds into the story, the other person interrupts, saying “When MY back went out last year, …”
In each case, the person you were speaking to just couldn’t listen. They had to break in and start talking. Why is it so hard for people to listen? It comes down to ego.
Your ego believes that one of the best ways to show how clever you are is by talking. The ego wants to be the center of attention. If you are listening, your ego is yielding center stage to the other person. Your ego would have you believe that the way to impress others is to tell them about yourself – going on and on about your experiences and your wisdom. After all, you’re the important one in this group. The other individuals should be listening to YOU.
Paradoxically, the opposite is true. When you are constantly talking, people think less of you. They resent that you have interrupted them and they quickly realize that you want to dominate the conversation. They are more impressed and feel a strong spiritual connection when you actively listen. By listening, you show that you really care about the other person – and what he or she has to say.
There’s another reason why the ego discourages you from listening. The ego sets up a filter based on your belief system – and won’t permit information to permeate that filter if the information is not consistent with your current beliefs. Therefore, you can appear to be listening, but you aren’t taking in what the other person is saying. You’re thinking of something else – what you have to do later in the day, or more likely, what you’re going to say when you interrupt the other person.
If what the other person says is something you disagree with, you’re busy preparing your rebuttal, to show why your view is right and the other person is wrong. This is particularly true when the issue is a highly charged one, such as your spiritual beliefs. Most people have an ego that won’t allow too much “new” information to enter. Once the ego’s beliefs are threatened, the ego gets defensive. It doesn’t like change. It wants to maintain the status quo.
I’ve noticed that people who are growing spiritually become better listeners. They realize that listening from the heart is a gift that we give to others who cross our path. We share our humanity just be being together, even in silence. No talking has to take place. Our hearts talk to each other in a way that our minds can’t.
When the other person is speaking, we can listen without judgment, without filters, without worrying about what we will say in response. We just listen. We have nothing to prove. There will be no winner and no loser in the discussion.
Listening is a lot like gratitude in the sense that we give lip service to its value, and then can’t put it into practice regularly. We fall back into our habit of not listening, just as fail to count our blessings often enough.
We need constant reminders. If your listening could use a little improvement (and I am certainly in this group!), consider writing the words “More Listening/Less Ego” on a piece of paper and keep it on your desk where you will see it all day. You might also put it in your wallet or purse. This will encourage you to listen more and pay attention to what others are saying.
In addition, while you are speaking, recognize what your ego is doing. You can do this even while you keep talking! In the back of your mind, you’ll say to yourself, “there I go trying to sound important.” And you might bring your talking to a close, and let the other party have the floor.
We’ve received many tips about being a better listener and yet we fail to implement them. I think it’s because we overlook the real problem, which is the Ego. As you begin to see the role your ego plays in all of this, you will learn to talk less and listen more attentively.
Spiritual growth is sure to follow.
– Jeff Keller
© 2008