Disagree Without Being Disagreeable
My father was not one to look for an argument, but he did enjoy exchanging ideas with others. He welcomed those who disagreed with his views, and he was willing to listen and learn from others. Yet it always annoyed him when someone would turn the discussion into a “battle.”
Following these unpleasant episodes, he would say to me, “I was always taught that you could disagree without being disagreeable.” He couldn’t understand why people would have to raise their voice or ridicule the position taken by another. While my dad may have been overly sensitive at times (as most of us are), I did find much truth in his words.
Why can’t we disagree without being disagreeable?
The dictionary definitions of disagreeable include: “having a quarrelsome, bad-tempered manner;” “unpleasant or offensive.”
We’ve all run across people who are disagreeable when they disagree. If we’re honest, we’ll admit that we often fall into this kind of behavior – or we did so in the past. When you see someone who is unpleasant or offensive while disagreeing, you’re seeing the ego at work.
The disagreeable person is seeking to establish that he or she is right and you are wrong; that he or she is smart and you are less intelligent, or even stupid. The ego thrives on making comparisons and establishing superiority.
When we are in touch with our spiritual nature, we put our ego aside. We can express our view without looking to make the other person wrong. This is not a battle that we have to win. There is no opponent to defeat. There is simply an exchange of ideas in an environment of mutual respect.
“Disagreeableness” seems to be on the rise these days. It may be the result of the speed of most societies, which leads to increased stress and less tolerance. In addition, the media encourages aggressive conflict. Political discussions are very popular on radio, TV and the internet. On these shows (or blogs), you find the person holding one view tries to ridicule anyone who holds an opposing view. There is a need to tear apart the “opponent” and his or her views.
Perhaps this is a good time to ask ourselves:
Am I being disagreeable when I voice my views?
Is it important for me to be right and to prove the other person is wrong?
Consider this from all angles, which would include your discussions with your spouse, your children, your parents, your friends, your co-workers and others who cross your path. You might be respectful in some settings and yet very disagreeable in others. Some people push your buttons and you lash out. Could you learn to disagree without being disagreeable?
Putting down another person and his or her opinions will never bring you contentment. You are creating distance between yourself and the other. You eliminate the possibility of learning from another. The spirit seeks to join or connect with the other person. And we can accomplish that even when we disagree. We simply disagree with respect.
As you learn to tame the ego, you will find that you don’t feel the need to express your disagreement as often as you did the past. When you are passionate about something and want to express yourself, you will. But there will be many instances when you realize there is nothing to be gained by voicing your view. You just let it go, without the need to respond. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone.
Here are a few other things to consider. I make a distinction between being disagreeable and what I would refer to as playful teasing with friends, relatives and co-workers. This is simply showing a sense of humor and allows us to connect with each other. We might disagree with someone and our intent is not to prove them wrong or establish our superiority. We might even be sarcastic in disagreeing but it is meant to be funny. There are no rules that can be set to cover all situations. We need to consider the nature of our relationship with the other person and the boundaries that are acceptable within that relationship.
Also, don’t rush to put the “disagreeable” label on someone else just because they are forceful or somewhat aggressive in disagreeing with you. Each person has a unique personality, and you can’t expect everyone to disagree with you while being “soft” or “gentile.” That may not reflect that individual’s natural personality. Someone can be aggressive or even loud, without trying to tear you down or ridicule your position. Recognize when you are being overly sensitive. Cut others some slack and give them the benefit of the doubt.
In the end, it doesn’t matter what other people do. You don’t have to try to change other people, and in most cases, you can simply refuse to engage in discussions with those who are disagreeable.
Instead, focus only on yourself. Develop the ability to disagree without being disagreeable. Drop the ego games. You are then in a position to learn more about yourself, the other person, and the topic under discussion.
– Jeff Keller
© 2008