Special Occasions
As the years pass, special occasions mean less and less to me. When I refer to special occasions, I’m talking about birthdays, anniversaries and some of the non-religious holidays we celebrate each year.
When my birthday rolls around each year, it doesn’t feel much different than any other day. Sure, it’s nice to receive greeting cards or a gift now and then. I appreciate these acts of kindness. But I no longer want and expect anything — and I wouldn’t feel someone loved me less if they didn’t recognize my birthday.
What I value is how people treat me when it’s not a special occasion. I also evaluate my own behavior on that standard. How do I treat people on “non-special” occasions? Put another way, how do I treat them every moment of every day?
I admit that I have a bias against some of the tangible displays of recognition we offer on special occasions. For instance, when I see someone with a HUGE amount of flowers that she received on her birthday or on Valentine’s Day, these questions come to my mind:
How many years will she continue to receive these kinds of gifts from her friend or spouse?
Does she receive these gifts when it is not her birthday or a holiday?
Go right ahead and call me a cynical New Yorker. I’m just not impressed by grand showings of recognition reserved for “special” days. In my experience, such displays are more for the ego’s satisfaction, as if the bigger gift demonstrates more love. My guess is that these relationships –where lavish gifts are given on special occasions — are not likely to be enduring relationships.
I suppose this is also related to the concept of being “romantic.” If you asked my wife if I am romantic, she would probably smile and then say something like, “He is romantic in his own way, but not in the traditional sense.” (of candlelight dinners, flowers, etc.).
If I were to take any test of being romantic that you find in popular magazines, I would fail miserably. That’s not my thing.
Romantic is not just about doing things on special occasions. It’s the little things we do every day. It can be a smile, our way of listening to another or picking up a particular food that someone else likes when we go shopping. It’s a phone call or e-mail to say “hi” for no reason.
In case you’re wondering, I do send greeting cards to certain people, and my wife and I enjoy going out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary. I’m not against any of that. But my spirit sets a higher standard. The spiritual standard encompasses every moment. It is not confined to a few special days each year. I won’t tell you that I’ve been able to meet that standard, but I’m making a little progress.
Many of us send birthday or anniversary cards each year to relatives. Typically, we realize about a day or two before our relative’s birthday, “It’s his (or her) birthday coming up and I forgot to get a card. I’ll have to run to the store, get a card, and mail it immediately.” In the act of getting the card, we feel rushed and can’t find one that expresses the appropriate sentiment. But at this point, we’ll settle for any card. This has become another item to complete so we can cross it off our “to do” list.
We don’t feel any particular closeness to our relative when we send a card in this manner. It’s a routine exercise in which we feel we HAVE to do something to acknowledge the occasion. We’d establish a deeper connection if we called that relative when it wasn’t his birthday, to simply say “I haven’t talked to you for a while and I just want to hear your voice and find out what you have been up to. I love you.”
We shouldn’t have to look at the calendar to tell us when to care about our family, relatives and friends. We all use the same excuse – that we don’t have enough time to acknowledge people on a regular basis. Perhaps we need to re-evaluate how we spend our time.
When we give from the heart on non-special occasions, that’s when those we care about feel special. It also gives us unlimited opportunities, every day, to experience the exquisite joy of giving.
– Jeff Keller
© 2008