During the courtship phase, and especially in the early stages, people often wonder, “Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?” In other words, “Should I marry this person?”

If a young adult in a relationship asked you that question, what advice, if any, would you give?

I’ve learned that it’s usually best to keep my mouth shut when it comes to relationships and what decisions people should make within those relationships. Yet, I actually believe I have a good, reliable test that any person could use to determine whether they should marry someone.

You may find it radical, but I’m going to share it with you. If someone (we’ll call him Tom) were to ask me, “Should I marry this person?” — here is the advice I would offer:

“Only you can answer that question. However, here is a test you can use to help you make the decision. If your girlfriend became paralyzed in an accident today, or if she sustained severe burns all over her body, would you still want to marry her?”

Before Tom could answer my question, I would add: “The question is not whether you would go ahead grudgingly with the marriage, or out of pity, or a sense of duty. Would you still be eager and look forward to marrying this person?”

I’ll be the first to admit that this test sets a very high standard, and that if most people answered honestly, they would concede that they had reservations about going through with the marriage under the conditions I described. They would feel sorry for their fiancée but they would say that their enthusiasm for the marriage had dampened somewhat.

I’m not saying that one answer is “better” than any other that Tom might give. It’s a simple “Yes” or “No” and I’m only asking Tom to be honest.

Even if Tom answers “No” to my question, that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t marry this person or that he can’t have a blissfully happy marriage. The chances are he will never have to confront the extreme situation I presented. Furthermore, he may find that if he does have to face this situation one day in the future, he will continue to love his wife and be eager to help her in every way possible.

However, if Tom can answer “YES” to my question right now, and without the slightest hesitation, he can be sure he has found a very fulfilling relationship.

While some of you may think this “test” is absurd, it does reveal whether the love between the two people is at the deepest spiritual level, as opposed to the more superficial level of form. There is nothing wrong with appreciating another person’s physical attributes. We are clearly attracted to certain people – what we often call “chemistry.”

We should celebrate the beauty of form. Yet if the primary attraction is based on form, what happens when the form ages or changes? Does your love diminish?

Our challenge is to love at the level of spirit, and that is a love that sees beyond the other person’s body.

By the way, this test only works for people who are not married yet. If you are already married, this test has no validity. Resist the temptation to ask your husband or wife whether they would have married you if you were paralyzed or had some physical disfigurement. There is no way they can say now what they would have done under those circumstances.

And if the other person has any brain at all, they will know that they have to give you the answer you’re looking for: “Honey, of course I would have married you no matter what.”

All of us can learn something from this test. It’s not just for those looking to get married. Most of the time what we call “love” is based on conditions and appearances in the world of form. We love someone as long as they behave in a certain way. When they cross the line of what we deem to be acceptable behavior, we may withdraw our love.

Spirit invites us to discover another kind of love - an expansive love that is unconditional and transcends form. There is no easy process to follow to realize this level of love. Maybe the heart will lead us there in an act of grace.

– Jeff Keller
© 2008

This is a subject that I continually revisit, as I am finding it very important on my own spiritual journey. Perhaps it can open some doors for you as well.

“What is” simply refers to whatever is showing up in your life at any moment. This includes your circumstances (finances, health, relationships, family, career, etc.), your thoughts and your emotions. It is what you experience, and how you feel at any moment. It is the reality of Now.

Some people have difficulty with the word “accepting” in this context. They feel it means being resigned to the situation or being content with it. Whether I call it “allowing,” “accepting” or “surrendering,” I am not putting a judgment on the event as being good or bad, positive or negative. It is an approach that offers no resistance to the present moment.

The vast majority of us have been conditioned to fight or resist those present moment experiences that we don’t like. When our house burns down, or we lose our job, we resist what is happening. The mind quickly says something like, “This isn’t fair” or “This shouldn’t be happening.”

Many negative thoughts then arise and often overtake us, at least temporarily. Of course, there isn’t any problem when we like what is happening. We feel good and we tend to have a series of positive thoughts. Life is wonderful, until something happens that we don’t like. Then we resist and fight what is.

Whenever you resist what is, you will suffer. Your mental attempts to fight what is will never produce a positive result. In the end, you are left with a circumstance you don’t like, and punishing thoughts to add to your misery.

Notice the feeling in your body when you resist or fight what is. You’re going to find in almost all cases that you are tense – your body contracts. Your mind races with negative thoughts and projections. You also feel many unpleasant emotions.

Resisting the flow of life is painful. It only adds to the uneasiness you are feeling as a result of the circumstance you are unhappy about.

On one level, you might admit that some of what I am saying makes sense. Yet your mind may quickly jump in and say, “How can I accept what is when I am told I have a life threatening illness? How can I accept what is when I get fired from my job? How can I accept what is if my child is killed? I’d be crazy to accept a negative situation in my life.”

We all know that we can’t change what has just happened. If you broke your leg, you broke your leg. It is a reality. Mind chatter or negative emotions such as fear or anger won’t undo what happened. Even your mind realizes that lashing out against what is doesn’t change what just occurred.

Yet the mind uses another strategy that draws you into resisting what is. Here’s how it works. After the negative event happens, you have been conditioned to believe that you must fight or resist the situation in order to improve it. You believe that emotions such as anger or fear provide fuel that will lead you to the best solution for your circumstances.

In other words, your mind has you believing that if you surrender to the “negative” situation, you will remain passive and the negative situation will continue.

I am finding that this is not true. In fact, the opposite is true. When you don’t fight what is, the mind is silent, and effective solutions and actions are communicated to you. This is the information that flows from life or spirit, as opposed to the chatter of the mind.

When you accept what is, you will not be passive or refuse to act. You will take the right action at the right time. This guidance system is far superior to the thoughts generated by the resisting mind.

This doesn’t mean your situation will always be resolved in the way you want. Your mind can’t promise you that either. Your mind can’t assure you that you will be healed of every illness, or that you will always have job security.

Allowing what is, and not fighting it, puts an end to the suffering. You don’t need your mind to judge what is, or to fight what is. It is not being the helpful force you take it to be. Rather, it is throwing gasoline on the fire.

As long as you identify very strongly with your BODY, you will find it difficult to surrender to what is. Although the body is nothing more than a speck in eternity, the mind persuades us that the body is where all of the focus should be placed. The body IS in jeopardy and it IS temporary. All of us will die. When you begin to see that what happens to the body can never touch your true essence, you will no longer fight what is happening to the body.

This is not an easy place to reach. I’m not there yet either. But I’m not fighting what is as much as I used to. And my spirit lets me know, without question, that I am on the right path.

– Jeff Keller
© 2008

We think of sporting events as ending with one team winning and the other team losing. You may come to a different conclusion when you watch this 5-minute video of an incident that occurred during a women’s softball game between Western Oregon University and Central Washington University.

http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?videoId=3380875  

This video touched my spirit and may do the same for you.

– Jeff Keller

I learned about this video from Daniel Decker, one of the subscribers to Your Spiritual Journey. Daniel and his wife are the founders of GiftofKindness.com, a website and global initiative with one primary purpose… to inspire others to be kind, compassionate and loving to one another… at home, at work, and in every interaction throughout the day. To learn more and to sign up for their newsletter, go to http://www.GiftofKindness.com

You’re at a party or a wedding where music is playing and people are dancing. Perhaps you feel the desire to get up and dance.

Of course, you also notice that some people at the party are not dancing. They may be watching the others dancing, but they seem to have no desire to get up and dance themselves.

The band leader or disc jockey then raises his or her voice and attempts to persuade those who are sitting to get up and dance. Most of those sitting still have no interest in getting up to dance. Often the band leader or disc jockey keeps trying to get those people off their behinds and on the dance floor.

At the same time, some of those who are getting up to dance also look over at friends or relatives who are sitting and try to persuade them to join the dancers. Occasionally, those who were sitting and didn’t want to dance – will get up and dance. Many will remain seated.

Here’s my question: why do many people at the party try to convince those who are sitting that they SHOULD get up and dance?

From the standpoint of the band members or the person playing the music, I suppose they are trying to create as much movement and energy as possible. This can heighten the excitement felt by those at the party.

But aren’t we forgetting about the wishes of those who don’t want to dance. Why is it acceptable to ignore their wishes?

Those who like to dance will just say that they want their friends or relatives to join in on the fun. Yet they may be missing the point – that those who are being coaxed to get up and dance are not going to have fun by dancing.

The dancers are assuming that their idea of fun “should” be the same for all.

Let’s look at this from another angle. What if one of the people who wasn’t dancing asked one of the dancers, “Would you like to go to the opera tomorrow night?” or “Would you like to visit a museum tomorrow?” There’s a reasonable chance that the dancer would have no interest in going to the opera or visiting the museum. And if the dancer showed no interest at all, or answered, “No,” would it make sense for the “non-dancer” to keep saying to the dancer that he or she SHOULD want to attend the opera or go to the museum?

You’d probably say that the non-dancer should just leave the other person alone. What is the difference when trying to persuade someone to dance?

Some people like to dance. Some people like to go to the opera. Some people like to visit museums.

This is certainly not a “life or death” issue and you can come up with arguments on both sides. What I’m learning as I travel on this path is that it’s ok to just let people do what they want. There is no need to pressure them to conform to any behavior, even if it is the behavior of the majority.

We always tell young people not to succumb to peer pressure. We say, “Don’t do what your friends are doing if it doesn’t feel right to you.”

And then, as adults, we exert peer pressure on other adults, trying to get them to behave as we like to behave, instead of allowing them to live as they choose.

I make a distinction here between coaxing our children to try a new activity as opposed to persuading another adult. It makes sense to encourage a 12-year old at his or her first dance to get up and dance. The 12-year old is afraid to dance and hasn’t engaged in the activity. If persuaded, the child may enjoy dancing.

However, the situation is different with a 40- year old. That person has in most cases danced before, but simply chooses not to dance now. There comes a point where we no longer need to pressure an adult to act in a way that he or she doesn’t wish to act.

Naturally, this isn’t only about dancing. It’s about any area where we try to run another’s life or tell them what to do. When someone doesn’t want to participate in an activity, maybe the best thing to do is accept their decision.

– Jeff Keller
© 2008

Youth is exalted in today’s media. Magazines show us young, attractive models. Newspaper ads tout plastic surgery. TV infomercials show us how to sculpt the perfect body. As a result, many people go on a frantic search for the “fountain of youth.” They want to turn back the clock and fight the aging process. When is the last time you saw aging portrayed in a positive light?

Ironically, teenagers and those in their 20s sometimes wish they were older. When you’re young, you’re often plagued by insecurity and wondering how you’ll fit into the world. While most people tend to concentrate on the downside of getting older, let’s focus for a moment on the upside. Below are some of the benefits of getting older.

1. You don’t care what other people think. As a teenager, you’re deeply concerned about what your friends think of you. You want to fit into the group. In your 20s, you still tend to be very concerned about how others perceive you. As the years pass, you care less and less about the opinions of others. It’s quite a refreshing change. You realize that the most important person to please is yourself – and when you accomplish that, you’re also in a better position to serve others.

2. You realize that you can remain healthy by following disciplined, moderate routines. You learn that moderate habits can produce excellent results over the long term. Thirty minutes of daily exercise such as walking or lifting moderate weights can keep you in very good shape. To remain fit, you don’t have to run 5 miles a day or follow fad diets that are extreme.

3. You appreciate your family more. Some people are fortunate to have a deep appreciation for their family in their teens, 20s and 30s. That’s not the case with many of us, however. After 30, and especially in your 40s, 50s and beyond, you come to appreciate your immediate and extended family. You enjoy getting together to reminisce about the “old days” as well as to catch up on what everyone is doing.

4. You don’t get caught up in the petty stuff. Remember when you thought that every potential client or every project at work had “life or death” consequences. You put yourself through enormous stress for no reason. As you get older, you still take your work seriously but you’ve gained perspective. The small stuff doesn’t throw you anymore. It’s a lot easier to live and work with that pressure off your back.

5. You realize that numerical age is not crucial. Granted, you may not heal as quickly or see as sharply as you did in your 20s or 30s. However, whether you’re 40, 50 or 70, it’s only a number. What matters is how you feel, mentally and physically. Many people feel healthier and stronger at 50 than they did at 25. If you have a lousy attitude and hate your work at age 30, you’ll feel older than a 70 year-old who has a great attitude and enjoys life.

6. You start to hit your stride in your career. In your 40s and beyond, you develop a better understanding of your strengths and weaknesses, your likes and dislikes. You’ve gained experience in your field (often by making mistakes) and know where your talents are best suited.

7. You no longer seek perfection. This relates both to your appearance and the way you perform your work or activities. The ads on TV urge you to get rock hard abs and to eliminate any trace of body fat. You no longer buy into this nonsense. You want to look and feel good but there’s no need to kill yourself trying to attain the perfect body. You also settle for excellence in your work, knowing that trying to make everything “perfect” is an unreasonable goal that causes stress. Sure, there are some exceptions to this rule — for instance, we want those performing laser surgery on us to be perfect in their aim!

8. It takes a lot more to get you angry. When you’re young and insecure, you take offense at even a minor slight. You’re defensive when criticized. As the years go by, you realize the futility of holding onto to anger. It does nothing but eat you up. When someone does get under your skin, you let it go quickly.

9. You let other people be who they are – and you appreciate their differences. You’re beginning to recognize and appreciate the incredible diversity in this world. You learn to tolerate the idiosyncrasies of other people; you even enjoy them. Life is a lot richer because not everyone thinks like you or acts like you. You learn from others and celebrate their unique talents and perspectives.

10. You’re a lot wiser…hopefully! As you years go by, you have a lot more experience and you’ve figured out how to deal with situations that arise in your life. It’s like any game that you’ve played for 20 or 30 years. You learn more as you go along.

Sure, you can find some things about getting older that you don’t like. But there’s plenty to enjoy as you journey through your 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond. Stop trying to turn back the clock; instead, appreciate the advantages of getting older!

– © Jeff Keller

“My.” Such a little word, but a word with huge implications.

My child.

My team.

My country.

Simply put, we favor those people, those things and even those concepts that are close to us. Therefore, we love our child more than the neighbor’s child or the child living thousands of miles away.

In sporting events, I want MY team to win, and I am happy if the members of the other team play poorly.

And of course, we are proud of our own country, and feel a closer allegiance to our country as opposed to the other countries of the world.

You might think, “how can it possibly be any other way?” It’s human nature, and perhaps a built-in instinct, to favor “MY” over any other.

From a spiritual perspective, the preference for “MY” isn’t so obvious. Why should you hurt less, or feel less compassion, if a child thousands of miles away is ill or mistreated? Why is it different if a child in another country is killed during a war, as opposed to your own child being killed?

Do any spiritual texts support this different treatment between “my” and other? Doesn’t the Bible command us to love our neighbor as ourselves? If we love our neighbor as ourselves, then we can’t show any preference for my child, my team or my country.

The problem with that little word “my” is what flows from it. Once I declare “my” to be preferential, I am declaring all else to be less important, or less worthy of my attention.

Furthermore, the ego welcomes the opportunity to engage in comparisons and prove that “my” is superior to the other. For example, consider the sporting events at the Olympic games. Citizens of each country feel some pride or superiority when the athletes of their country defeat the athletes from the “other” country.

Why can’t we just enjoy the skill of the athletes and accept whatever result happens? Why is it better if the athlete from “my” country wins? As you know, the outcomes of these games are so important to some governments that those athletes who lose are seen as having disgraced their country.

This comparison stuff is the work of the ego; the spirit can’t possibly engage in such nonsense.

This is not a simple thing to “fix.” We have been conditioned to place so much emphasis on our own possessions, our own families, and our own country. To some, it might seem impossible to even consider thinking or acting otherwise. We have allowed our minds to dominate our lives, and the mind generally looks to divide and separate, to protect what is “mine” and to establish superiority over the “other.”

Even when we try to harness the power of the mind for charitable purposes – to help others – the results are often frustrating. We attempt to send food or aid to other countries – and the governments or military units of the other countries often block that aid from getting to the people who need it. What we’re running up against is the “MY” on the other side. The country receiving the aid has its own belief system, its own “MY” to protect.

By the way, when we donate money or food to the less fortunate, we still don’t view the others as equal to our own. Thus, if our children are starving, we continue to view it differently than children in other countries who are starving. We are more distressed when the calamity is happening to our own children.

The solution is not found by feeling equally sad for every living creature in this world who is suffering. That wouldn’t help either. We’d end up miserable and we wouldn’t be able to remedy the difficulties all over the world.

I think the only place to find the answer here is by checking in with our spirit. No strategies of the mind will resolve this issue. When each of us allows the separation of “my” and “other” to loosen, and we see God in everything, we will find some peace and begin to receive some guidance. We may be led to help others who are less fortunate – but we won’t try to cure all the world’s ills, something that only the mind would attempt… and inevitably fail at.

The most important thing would not be the specific actions we would take; instead, it would be our very nature of overflowing compassion and love — which would affect others in a profound way. The person who sees all in unity and love changes the world more quickly than those who are forming committees or urging others to action.

The most important world is our own inner world. Develop the sense of “we” and you will begin to see the interconnectedness of all beings. Slowly, the “my” will weaken and spirit can work its wonders.

You probably have a million questions and comments running through your mind now. This is not an easy subject to examine, especially when virtually all of our belief systems reinforce separation and preference. To really dive into it requires that you be willing to look at your world in radically different ways.

My oh my.

– Jeff Keller
© 2008

Today’s message was contributed by one of our subscribers, Prajakta Khalatkar. She shares her experiences of the Mumbai floods and the insights she has gained.

The Choice

It was 26th July 2005. Mumbai was completely drenched in rainfall. The deadly torrent of flood was as though determined to swallow all lives.

In the heavy monstrous winds of storm, I found myself moving on a blank road. It was all full of water, running madly like an uncontrolled disaster. Heavy downpour was accompanied with havoc, the path ahead was not to be seen, no support to hold on to. People were all panicky, not finding any place to hide, to rescue their lives.

I, along with many others, who were stuck in the flood, were trying to find the way back home. For me, it used to be hardly 10 minutes to walk home from this place. But today, it seemed far away to me, as far as the North Pole. I anticipated that if I keep standing here, slowly with the rise in the water level, I would get washed away in the flood. Water was gushing towards me; I had all at stake and nothing to hold. But I decided to walk ahead, determined that I wouldn’t quit until my last breath.

As I moved ahead, the water level rose to my waist. I was walking on the divider of the road, hoping to be a little comfortable on a height. Suddenly, my foot slipped, and I was back on the base. I feared the presence of open manholes, which I had seen on the road when it wasn’t flooding. Lots of thoughts occupied my mind. The faces of all loved ones, all my unfulfilled dreams, all my pending tasks, everything.

I was seeing death in front of me, with its jaws wide open. A cold current moved through my body and I felt this is the end of my story. Tomorrow, probably my family would find my dead body floating in some river nearby. The entire trauma passed through my eyes like a horror movie. I felt I could move no more. I was tired. I could no longer push myself ahead. I could feel the force of death pushing me into the flood.

I had nothing, just a moment with me. I looked at the sky to see if I can see the presence of almighty anywhere. My glance was accompanied with my silent prayer, which was seemingly the last one in this life span. Just then, suddenly something inside me said –

“You have the choice!”

Instantly, somehow, I decided! I would survive! I would not get carried away! I am mightier than this negative force! Far superior to this!

And….Yes! I got my energy back; a ray of hope was there. I placed my foot a little ahead, unaware of what was there. To my surprise, I was moving ahead, my feet were able to find the space to step further. I could see the way ahead, to my home and then I didn’t look back until I reached home!

Those two hours of my life still play their role in the dark hours of despair. When nothing seems to go my way, at the end of all possible unfruitful efforts, something still says,

“You have the choice!”

And just then, I find that what put me on hold stands meek and weak in front of my mighty soul!

Prajakta Khalatkar lives in India. She is a software engineer as well as a talented poetess. You can read her poems at her blog: http://prajaktablossoms.blogspot.com  .

As we travel this spiritual journey, we find that teachers cross our path to help us gain some insight into our true nature as spiritual beings. Guidance may come from clergy at our house of worship. It may come from clergy we see on TV. It may come from books written by those with spiritual insights, whether the authors are clergy, lay people, or unaffiliated with any organized religion.

It isn’t important what “label” you attach to this individual. For whatever reason, you are drawn to this person’s insights. As you listen to this person, observe this person, or read his or her words in a book, you feel as if you are gaining more truth about yourself and feeling a deeper spiritual connection.

When we find someone like this, we throw ourselves wholeheartedly into the teachings or writings of this person. If they have written books, we buy them. If they are going to be speaking anywhere, we make attempts to be there to get the benefit of this person’s wisdom.

There are many positive things to be derived by immersing oneself into a particular teaching or viewpoint.

But there’s also a danger. There is a danger that we will automatically accept as truth everything, or virtually everything, this person is saying. It’s as if we transfer the responsibility for discerning truth from ourselves, and put it onto this teacher. We think to ourselves, “Well, if this person says it, then it must be the truth.”

The fact that someone reveals what appears as truth or insight in one area does not mean this person has figured out everything. These authors or teachers may sincerely believe what they are saying or writing is truth, yet it isn’t. If the author or teacher is growing spiritually, what he or she writes in five or ten years will be somewhat different – and may be radically different — than what is being conveyed today.

In other words, even for the person who appears to be spiritually advanced, the truth is a moving target. There are always infinitely deeper levels that can be explored. More importantly, the ultimate truth about our existence can never be figured out by the human mind. The mind is limited and can never know the full truth about God or whatever you call this life force. How can your mind explain something that has no beginning and no end?

I recognize that many people believe that there is only one source of truth, and that is The Bible. Undoubtedly, the Bible contains profound spiritual insights and offers guidance on how to live our lives. However, there are various interpretations of the Bible and its passages. If I were to gather 50 of the world’s greatest Bible scholars and 50 of the most respected ministers to interpret particular Bible passages or to answer questions about God and spirit, you know full well that we would not receive 100 uniform responses. There would be some disagreement among them. How would I know which is THE truth, if experts devoting their lives to the subject can’t agree on it?

There is another pitfall to be aware of when we rely on the information provided by others. We tend to read and listen to material we agree with. We often conclude that the person who states our view is delivering truth. They may describe it more eloquently than we can, but they are saying things we agree with before we read their book or listen to their presentation. What we have found is agreement, but not necessarily truth.

I often read materials that coincide with my own views. Yet some of the most profound growth I have experienced is by reading books and listening to speakers who deliver a message that challenged my beliefs. If you are truly secure in your own spiritual foundation, you will not be afraid that other viewpoints can shake that foundation. And if the foundation can be shaken, it wasn’t built on truth to begin with… and isn’t it better to know that now?

Do your own assessment of the truth, moment by moment. Drink in the spiritual insights of others whose views resonate with you. If you are led to read other things they have written, honor that. However, when anything you read or hear does not appear to make sense to you at the heart level, or if you have doubts about it, don’t dismiss those doubts. Don’t simply defer to the teacher or author.

Remain open and do your own investigation. You’ll often find that what you read or heard contained some truth, perhaps a lot of truth, but not the whole truth. The only thing that matters is YOUR truth, and while others may assist you on your journey, only you can find your way home.

– Jeff Keller
© 2008