The Marriage Test
During the courtship phase, and especially in the early stages, people often wonder, “Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?” In other words, “Should I marry this person?”
If a young adult in a relationship asked you that question, what advice, if any, would you give?
I’ve learned that it’s usually best to keep my mouth shut when it comes to relationships and what decisions people should make within those relationships. Yet, I actually believe I have a good, reliable test that any person could use to determine whether they should marry someone.
You may find it radical, but I’m going to share it with you. If someone (we’ll call him Tom) were to ask me, “Should I marry this person?” — here is the advice I would offer:
“Only you can answer that question. However, here is a test you can use to help you make the decision. If your girlfriend became paralyzed in an accident today, or if she sustained severe burns all over her body, would you still want to marry her?”
Before Tom could answer my question, I would add: “The question is not whether you would go ahead grudgingly with the marriage, or out of pity, or a sense of duty. Would you still be eager and look forward to marrying this person?”
I’ll be the first to admit that this test sets a very high standard, and that if most people answered honestly, they would concede that they had reservations about going through with the marriage under the conditions I described. They would feel sorry for their fiancée but they would say that their enthusiasm for the marriage had dampened somewhat.
I’m not saying that one answer is “better” than any other that Tom might give. It’s a simple “Yes” or “No” and I’m only asking Tom to be honest.
Even if Tom answers “No” to my question, that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t marry this person or that he can’t have a blissfully happy marriage. The chances are he will never have to confront the extreme situation I presented. Furthermore, he may find that if he does have to face this situation one day in the future, he will continue to love his wife and be eager to help her in every way possible.
However, if Tom can answer “YES” to my question right now, and without the slightest hesitation, he can be sure he has found a very fulfilling relationship.
While some of you may think this “test” is absurd, it does reveal whether the love between the two people is at the deepest spiritual level, as opposed to the more superficial level of form. There is nothing wrong with appreciating another person’s physical attributes. We are clearly attracted to certain people – what we often call “chemistry.”
We should celebrate the beauty of form. Yet if the primary attraction is based on form, what happens when the form ages or changes? Does your love diminish?
Our challenge is to love at the level of spirit, and that is a love that sees beyond the other person’s body.
By the way, this test only works for people who are not married yet. If you are already married, this test has no validity. Resist the temptation to ask your husband or wife whether they would have married you if you were paralyzed or had some physical disfigurement. There is no way they can say now what they would have done under those circumstances.
And if the other person has any brain at all, they will know that they have to give you the answer you’re looking for: “Honey, of course I would have married you no matter what.”
All of us can learn something from this test. It’s not just for those looking to get married. Most of the time what we call “love” is based on conditions and appearances in the world of form. We love someone as long as they behave in a certain way. When they cross the line of what we deem to be acceptable behavior, we may withdraw our love.
Spirit invites us to discover another kind of love - an expansive love that is unconditional and transcends form. There is no easy process to follow to realize this level of love. Maybe the heart will lead us there in an act of grace.
– Jeff Keller
© 2008