Those interested in self-development and/or spiritual growth often sing the praises of beliefs. The traditional argument goes as follows: if we have certain beliefs, we can create a successful life, both in terms of material success and spiritual fulfillment.

I’ll be the first to admit that beliefs can play a very significant role in the circumstances of our lives. If we have a positive belief in our abilities and a very positive view of God, our lives will be better than if we hold negative beliefs.

Yet it has become clear to me that beliefs are a double-edged sword. They create as much pain as they do pleasure. I no longer worship beliefs as I did before.

If you need an example, look no further than what is going on in the U.S. in the midst of this presidential campaign. There is an enormous amount of hatred and judgment as a result of beliefs. Those who believe strongly in one candidate are often vehemently AGAINST the other candidate and his followers.

Have you been caught up in any of this frenzy? I have. Look at the polarization and viciousness of this campaign. You root against the other candidate. You want that candidate to suffer setbacks. You look at those who support the other candidate and you may begin to think they are less intelligent than you, that they just don’t see things clearly. And your blood starts to boil.

What is causing a lot of this hatred and judgment? Beliefs. Each side is defending its beliefs.

When we defend our beliefs, we see ourselves as separate from those who hold opposing beliefs. We find it difficult, if not impossible, to keep an open mind or to see anything positive about the opposition. Our candidate’s flaws are minimized; the other candidate’s flaws are magnified.

Of course, this is not limited to politics. We see the same thing when it comes to religious or spiritual beliefs. We defend our belief system and see other belief systems as wrong.

Where do we go from there? It’s like a cat chasing its tail. We go around and around and end up frustrated. This applies to those within organized religion as well as those who take a position outside organized religions. Each side believes the other is wrong.

Once you believe your beliefs are right, you’ll tend to resent or be fearful of those who believe differently. You will find it nearly impossible to love those who hold views different than your own. You can continue to say that your beliefs are the correct ones and that others just need to believe as you do – but you know that never leads anywhere. People have tried that approach for thousands of years and it has led to hatred, judgment and violence.

Beliefs can be a positive force, leading to many benefits. But there is another side to beliefs – and only when we recognize that – can we minimize the pain and disharmony caused by beliefs.

Let’s open the discussion on this topic. Feel free to share your views.

– Jeff Keller
© 2008

If there is any concept that is at the foundation of any religion or spiritual practice, it is LOVE. And yet, it is very difficult for us to define what love is. Even more difficult is for us to live according to whatever definition we select.

If you’ve ever attended any Christian weddings, you might have heard the following Bible passage read during the wedding service:

“Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does no delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

It’s a beautiful passage, a very profound commentary on the nature of love. You may not agree with everything in this passage, but my guess is that you can identify with much of it, regardless of your religion or your spiritual beliefs.

Of course, this often quoted passage is not limited only to marriages or intimate relationships. It applies to ALL relationships.

What does this Bible passage mean to you? How have you been able to apply it in your own life?

For instance, if you live in the U.S., have you been able to apply this definition of love whenever you hear someone expressing a view that is contrary to the presidential candidate you support? I admit that I have failed miserably in this regard. My responses have not been loving.

Have you been able to consistently apply this definition of love in your dealings with your spouse? With your children? With your parents?

Have you been able to live according to this definition of love when you run across someone whose moral or religious beliefs are very different from your own?

Whether you wish to accept the characteristics of love as expressed in this Bible passage above, or if you formulate your own definition of love, I think you’ll admit that living according to that definition of love is very challenging indeed.

In what ways do you feel that you need to think, speak or act differently in order to live closer to your understanding of love? How can you accomplish that, or at the least, make progress in that direction?

– Jeff Keller
© 2008

I received many fascinating emails from subscribers in which they offered their experiences and insights on the subject of “walking away.” Here are some of them:

* * *

“At age 18 I had the courage to walk away from my entire family.

My parents and relatives moved from the south to California in the 1950’s. They grew up when races were segregated and had very bigoted views regarding anyone who was not Caucasian. While growing up I never felt like I fit in our family and it didn’t feel right not talking or spending time with someone who was not of my race. I have always been the gregarious type and I love to talk with all types of people.

As I entered my teens I decided to talk with anyone I chose and had nasty verbal fights with my mother (she divorced my father when I was two). Our mother and daughter relationship deteriorated at a rapid pace between age 15 - 18 because we both thought we were right and neither of us was really listening to each other anymore. All I wanted to do was graduate from high school and move out of my mother’s house. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but that was the plan.

One week after I graduated at age 18, my mother and I had a nasty blow out regarding my decision to go to work and not go to college. After a 2-hour fight going nowhere, I packed my clothes in three paper bags with hatred in my heart and just walked away. My life was a roller coaster of uncertainty and took quite awhile to get on the right track. I did finally get a good job and met the man of my dreams, who is still my husband today. Being in a more positive environment helped me become more confident and grow as a person.

Although we lived nearby and saw each other from a distance, my mother and I never spoke a word to each other in 17 years. Then a neighborhood issue made it necessary for us to speak. We just chatted like the other neighbors who hadn’t met yet and then departed. Over the coming months we saw each other more and more and started chatting a bit more and started to develop a friendship. My mother admitted she did not handle our blow out 17 years earlier very well, and regretted losing her daughter over it. We decided to agree that we had and still have different points of view, but would wipe the slate clean and start over. She wouldn’t judge my lifestyle and I would not judge her lifestyle.

For the next two years I had a new best friend. We had a relationship better than we ever had before and my love for her grew at a rapid pace. Then she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I had to endure watching her wither away from me over the next few months. At first I felt very guilty that I walked away 17 years earlier and we only had two years as adults together. Then I realized I couldn’t change the past and became very grateful that I was able to change my life in a direction that was best for me, and was given two years to mend our riff in lieu of a lifetime full of regrets.

For me walking away was the best choice because I was able to grow into the person I wanted to be. It also gave my mother time to reflect on her life and she turned out to be much more tolerant and enjoyable person who enjoyed her life more. I don’t have any regrets about my
decision to walk away; however I know in my heart that I would not feel this way if I had not had the time to mend fences with my mother before her passing.”

* * *
“When I was in high school, I was one of the top clarinet players in the state of Georgia. I had
devoted the majority of my teen years towards music and musical performance achievement.
However, by the time I arrived at the end of my junior year, I had lost all interest in playing.
Even though I had made it to All State (a prestigious event where all of the best high school musicians get together for three days to play music), I didn’t go. Ultimately, I stopped playing the clarinet after my junior year.

A lot of people thought I was crazy or that I was making a poor decision. I could have gone
on and played in college and gotten scholarships, but I knew that I would be unhappy if I chose
that route. My heart just wasn’t in playing any more. I knew that it was time for me to move
on to bigger and better things, and I gave myself permission to change course. Ten years later,
I’ve never once regretted my decision. When you follow your heart, you truly can never go wrong.”

* * *

“When I was in my early twenties I got a great job working as an Administrative Assistant. My Dad was president of the company and so excited to be able to offer an opportunity with advancement potential. I hated it. I was always late. I struggled to stay a wake most days. I never felt like I earned my pay check. I sincerely tried to work hard and deserve the opportunity. I could not get fired and I very much felt like they should have been, I even told my supervisor so. I finally told my Dad I had to quit.

I ended up working as a waitress and really enjoyed the pressure, the interaction and the activity. I don’t think he ever quite understood the decision but he respected it. All these years later I can say I’m proud of the decision. The experiences that came from what seemed an irrational decision then have been so invaluable over the years.”

* * *

I wish to thank all those who contributed their experiences and insights on this topic.

– Jeff Keller

Two prominent female sports figures made a decision in 2008 that shocked many people. Each decided to retire, and most people felt that these retirements were premature. In other words, people felt these athletes could have continued to compete successfully for many more years.

Golfer Annika Sorenstam, probably the most accomplished female golfer in history, announced at the age of 37 that this would be her last year of playing on the professional tour. She said she had other priorities and had tasted what it is like to be on top. She had nothing left to prove by continuing to play on the professional golf tour.

Tennis star Justine Henin, at the age of 25, announced her retirement, effective immediately, in May of 2008. She had won 7 major singles titles and earned millions of dollars. Henin was ranked the #1 player in the world for more than 100 weeks. She said that she had lost the will to play and decided “to stop fooling myself and accept it.” Tennis fans were shocked that she could just walk away from the game at such a young age and with so many good years ahead of her.

The New York Times on Sunday, October 19, 2008 published a fascinating story about an 18 year old woman who had been the most highly recruited female basketball player in the nation. Elena Delle Donne, who is 6 feet, 5 inches tall, was recruited to play basketball at the University of Connecticut.

Elena enrolled at the University of Connecticut in June and after a few days, she left the school, gave up her scholarship and enrolled at the University of Delaware, where she is playing volleyball because she enjoys it. She explained that she was “burned out” on basketball at the age of 18.

Can you imagine how difficult this decision must have been for her – to walk away after a few days – when she knew she would be disappointing her family and also those at the University of Connecticut who were counting on her to be a star performer?

It would be easy to judge Elena and say that she is young, immature and didn’t give her college experience a reasonable chance. I see it differently. She was unhappy at the University of Connecticut and realized that for now, she would get no enjoyment out of playing basketball there. She felt that it was like working at a job where you don’t get paid for it. Why endure a college experience like that?

It doesn’t matter how much basketball talent she possesses if she doesn’t want to play basketball. Perhaps she will want to play basketball again in another environment at some point in the future.

I think that all three of these examples demonstrate a powerful principle: when your heart is not in the activities you are doing, walk away. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. It doesn’t matter if you are at the top of your sport (or career), or just beginning.

I’m not saying we should act irresponsibly and walk away when our actions or inactions will harm others who are depending on us. We can’t walk out on every job we don’t like if we don’t have a way to support family members who are counting on us.

However, when we stick with what we are doing because of what other people will think, or because we are afraid of an unknown future, we guarantee the continuation of our misery. We will suffer emotionally and physically as we try to force ourselves to override the clear message of our heart.

Most of us will face situations in our lives when we know it’s time to walk away from some activity. It no longer feels right and we know life is pushing us to move in another direction.

Yet we’re afraid of what the new path might bring. We are even more afraid of how others will view our decision if we just walk away from something we’ve done for a while.

When discomfort arises, you can try as hard as you want to get your head to override your heart. You can come up with a hundred reasons why you should keep doing what you are doing. None of these mental justifications will work in the long run.

When your heart tells you to walk away, walk away. You may encounter a period of confusion and uncertainty. Yet afterward, you’ll gain a sense of peace and clarity — and it’s likely that you will never regret your decision to walk away.

If you have any examples in your life where you walked away – or didn’t walk away – please send me an email describing your experience. Perhaps others can benefit from your experiences and insights.

– Jeff Keller
© 2008

For almost one year now, I have been sending out this newsletter. As you might expect, I frequently get emails from subscribers, in which they offer their views on the subjects discussed in the newsletter.

While I consider myself an open-minded person, I must confess that at the beginning, I found that my initial reaction to receiving each e-mail was to notice whether the person agreed or disagreed with my point of view. After making that initial determination, I was able to read the email more carefully to get a better understanding of the views being expressed by the other person.

Now I take a different approach. I am not very concerned with whether the sender of the email agrees or disagrees with anything presented in my newsletter. Primarily, I want to understand the position being expressed by the other person. I want to “enter their world” for a moment and attempt to see the world as they see it. I enjoy learning about them and why they think and act as they do. It fosters a sense of tolerance and community.

As we travel on our spiritual journey, I think it’s helpful to be open to understanding others and not immediately try to identify whether or not they agree or disagree with us. This relates not only to viewpoints on spiritual beliefs, but to perspectives on all issues.
We can approach others with an open heart or a closed heart. Of course, this doesn’t mean we surrender our own views or condone inappropriate behavior. We can still be passionate about our own views, while being receptive to at least listen to the views expressed by others.

How are you receiving the comments of others these days? Do you immediately seek to identify whether they agree or disagree with you – or do you seek to understand the diverse perspectives of the other person?

There are times when someone says something that annoys us or pushes our buttons. We’re tempted to focus on the “rightness” or our position – and to criticize or condemn the other person.

The spiritual journey invites us to open our hearts to others and find that place of compassion where we see that battles of right or wrong only separate us. How effective have our efforts been to persuade others against their will? How effective have our efforts been when we judge and condemn? If we’re honest, we’ll admit that this approach has not worked. It breeds resentment and separation.

The next time someone advances a position you don’t agree with, try to remain open and listen. No need to attack or persuade them that they are wrong. Let things be as they are.

Here’s a benefit for taking this approach: when you are receptive to others, people are much more willing to listen to what you have to say. Your influence grows as your heart opens.

– Jeff Keller
© 2008

Here are some of the e-mails I received in response to my last newsletter.

* * *

“I don’t like to think I benefit from my Spiritual beliefs but like the way you reworded it as what do your spiritual beliefs provide you.

I look for my spiritual beliefs or as I like to call it “my conscious contact with my higher power” to provide me with direction and guidance on how my higher power intended me to be as a person and not how “I” if left to my own devises would want to be and/or act.

I know I can be selfish, self seeking, jealous, envious, and a whole bunch of other things that takes me away from being the person my higher power intended me to be when he put me here on this earth.

I felt in my core this was not the right way to live but did not know any other way. Once I put God in my life things changed dramatically. I stopped asking for things for me and started asking what can I do for others. That was the missing piece of the puzzle and the start for me to have an inner peace I have only dreamed about having.

Daily I ask Him to remove me of myself and to help me see where I can help another person and do the right thing.”

* * *

“It is not that I “expect” to get anything from my spirituality but I don’t know what I would do without my belief in God, especially when times get tough. It is that peace I feel when I know that He is on my side and is watching out for me, which I feel God really is. There are so many times when I feel alone and that it’s “me against the world”, but then I remember that He is up there and cares about me. So to answer your question, it is peace of mind that I get from my spiritual beliefs.”

* * *

“I believe as humans we have evolved AWAY from the community and feeling of belonging that we once needed for survival. Our current living conditions (most typical here in America) are individuality and a more private lifestyle as from a century ago. I think we are all consciously or subconsciously craving a community and a sense of belong to SOMETHING. I think that is part of the reason that people seek out spirituality.”

* * *

“Probably peace of mind is the greatest benefit, if you would like to call it that. Peace of mind that wherever we go in life, or whatever we do and/or achieve, we need not question whether we have done the right thing, because we can be certain that, right or wrong in the eyes of the world, it happened because God willed it. It is all part of His plan, and whether we can see His plan or purpose is actually irrelevant. God gave me a vision many years ago that made me understand that I do not need to know where He is leading me - all I need to do is trust that it IS part of His plan.”

* * *

“I practice “Sikh” religion and have high respect for all other religions of the world. The benefits that I derive from practicing spirituality are:

1 Exploring what life is all about
2 Leading a life that is based on values.
3 Peace of mind, when I need it most
4 Putting a check on the “Ego” by accepting the fact that the
ultimate control is in the hands of God.
5 Motivated to do something selflessly for others, considering we
all are children of one God.”

* * *

“Perhaps we should ask what we can provide to it. When we look at spiritual giants like Mother Teresa or the greatest example of all Jesus, I think the real question should be what we can do for others. I think sometimes we become too introspective. It’s not always about US or ME.”

* * *

“I don’t follow a particular dogma, but am convinced of the spirituality of man. As a consequence I gain a number of tangible (if that’s appropriate speaking on a non physical subject) benefits from my belief.

For example, pain tolerance. I can separate myself from physical pain and simply allow it to be. The result is that while the body is hurting I am separate and can tolerate the sensation to a far greater degree. For example, I passed a kidney stone whilst at work some years ago. I won’t pretend it was comfortable, but I got through the ordeal and came out the other side more convinced than ever of the truth of spirituality.

I am more self aware than at any time in my life and this helps me understand others’ misemotion. I see and understand they are tangled up in their thoughts and physical concerns and have no real concept of just being. This enables me to be calm when others are losing their heads.

Another real benefit is the eveness of emotion I experience. I don’t have wild fluctuation in emotion. This allows me the freedom to really experience with joy and little reservation the pleasurable areas of existence and the equanimity to face and deal with the ‘dark side’ so to speak.

I find my life is filled with delicious anticipation for each and every day.”

* * *

Thank you for submitting your comments on this topic.

– Jeff Keller

I have two questions I’d like you to consider:

1. What benefits do you get from your religion or spiritual beliefs? Or put another way, what are you looking for your religious or spiritual beliefs (and practices) to provide for you?

2. Is it in fact providing those things you identified above?

For example, you might say that you practice a religion (or follow a spiritual practice) to obtain peace of mind. Has that religion or spiritual practice actually brought you peace of mind? Why or why not?

Many take the position that religions or spiritual perspectives set standards that we are to move toward, but not actually attain during this lifetime. Yet others feel these standards can be attained during this life. I am interested in YOUR view.

I welcome your thoughts on some of the issues raised here. Please make sure to include the benefits you’re looking to get from your religion or spirituality. This is something that is not often discussed; yet I think we can learn from each other — and learn more about ourselves — by addressing these issues.

When I refer to “benefits” we seek from our religion, I am not implying that our motives are selfish or greedy. As I see it, there are reasons humans act as they do. If religion or spirituality did not benefit us in certain ways, we would not be inclined to have religious or spiritual views.

So, what benefits do you get – or hope to get – from your religion or spiritual beliefs?

Please send your comments and insights on these topics and I will share some of the responses in upcoming newsletters.

– Jeff Keller
© 2008

In response to my message on October 3, 2008 titled “Those Uncontrollable Thoughts,” I received many emails. Most of the readers expressed the view that it is most effective to let the uncontrolled thoughts be as they are, without trying to resist them or change them. However, several people stated that their most effective strategy was to replace the negative or undesirable thought with a positive thought.

My simple advice: do whatever works for you. Here are excerpts from some of the mails I received:

* * *

“I have a sign in my office that says, “Don’t believe everything you think”. I try to live by this everyday instead of trying to stop the unwanted thoughts.”

* * *

“When I tolerate the undesirable thoughts (I agree that they are uninvited, agree that they are difficult to control - but not impossible), I’ve found that I tend to let them flourish like weeds.
Weeding can be a pain - but it is what we are designed to do. You CAN insist on thinking about something else. I’ve seen this come and go with cycles of determination in my own experience.

To me, it’s like trying to keep clean. Sometimes you can’t - but you often can make some effort to reduce the amount of dirt that you get on yourself - and often it’s by not sticking your hands so far into the dirt - or by touching it with thumb and finger only - and dropping it as soon as possible. And remembering to wash my hands afterwards!”

* * *

“I do look at Playboy and have lustful thoughts, and I enjoy them. Is lustful bad? I do not believe in good and bad — there just IS and I enjoy life as it comes. Do I control lustful thoughts? No, as I said I enjoy them and see the beauty in lust. Did God not give us beauty to enjoy? If a thought comes in my mind that I cannot enjoy, I think of God and feel good. Life is simple and we are given so much, why not enjoy what God gives us?”

* * *

“I find the less I struggle or try to suppress a thought, the sooner it dissipates. And if I try to fight the thought, the more in hangs around to taunt me. It’s probably my inner brat!”

* * *

“I have found it helpful to replace the bad thoughts that crop up with some thought or memory that is good. As soon as I focus on that memory I begin to expand on it forgetting the ad thought. Prayer has also helped me.”

* * *

“Many people like myself question their sanity and morality based on one absurd thought. I have found that trying to fight these thoughts is like trying to stop a train. What works is the understanding that a thought is a thought, not an action. Let the thoughts come and go and most importantly TRUST GOD and yourself.”

* * *

“This is how I control my mind and let the positive happen to my life. The last 50 years of my life…I ‘ve been doing this:

If I have negative thoughts…I will verbalize my counter thought…I will say I rebuke these thoughts…may the good Lord bless this person to whom I have thought of negatively. I rebuke whatever negative feelings I have. O Holy Spirit, I welcome you in my mind…erase all the negative feelings and thought forms.

Jesus in one of his sermons…parables said: if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, it can move mountains.” I rely on this, I have Jesus as my Saviour and Master, I invoke his “anointed” name…and allow all the positive thoughts to replace the negative thoughts.

I am successful at this. And feel great and am not bothered anymore.”

* * *
“The more we resist that kind of thoughts - be it sexual or any negative , sorowful experiences with some one, we tend to get popped up with that again & again. If you tell a child not to do anything specifically, it will definitely do that only. If you just leave it , it will soon forget that even. Our mind is like that child, which should not be forced to get away from any kind of thoughts.”

* * *

Although I couldn’t publish all the emails that I received, I do appreciate everyone who took the time to offer their comments.

– Jeff Keller

In 1976, when Jimmy Carter was a candidate for President of the United States, he did an interview with Playboy Magazine. During this interview, Carter admitted that he “looked on a lot of women with lust” and he added, “I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times.”

Carter never took action on these thoughts; he just admitted that the thoughts crossed his mind.

Some people were shocked to hear Jimmy Carter say these words. How could this religious man have these “impure” thoughts? Of course, there were many others who just smiled or chuckled and realized that every man has these thoughts. (Note: I can’t speak for women, but I’m guessing some of them have lustful thoughts as well.)

Well, did Jimmy Carter have the ability to control his thoughts and not have any of these lustful thoughts?

I don’t believe he had that option. Some thoughts do enter our minds uninvited. They simply pop up. If you were to take a poll of men around the world and ask them, “Have you ever had a lustful thought?” — you know very well what the result would be.

And yet, ask these men if they are consciously CHOOSING in these instances to have the lustful thoughts, and I think the vast majority will tell you that the thoughts just happen. They just appear without asking for permission to enter.

My point is not to concentrate on sexual thoughts. This discussion applies to all subjects. No matter how much we try to deny it, we all have uninvited thoughts. Many of these thoughts are often very troubling and unexplainable.

Take something as simple as a bug or insect that comes into your house or apartment. Personally, there are times when I feel great compassion for the insect and will try to “escort it” out of the house so it can continue to live. At other times, my only thought is to squash the bug and kill it instantly. Why these conflicting thoughts? I haven’t the slightest idea.

Have you ever had a violent thought that shocked you? I believe we all have these thoughts from time to time.

In most cases, we try to resist these thoughts and push them out of our minds. We feel we are “bad” people if we have impure, lustful or violent thoughts. We repress these unwanted thoughts and it causes us emotional turmoil.

It took me more than 50 years to finally admit that some of these thoughts could NOT be controlled – and that it made no sense to try to suppress them or replace them with better thoughts. For me, it comes down to allowing these thoughts to float by, without denying them or resisting them.

These thoughts have no power IF you just let them be. They arise, they go away. Who knows why? You can’t tell when they will come and many of them are absurd, no matter how mentally stable you appear to be.

Fortunately, even though we may have whacky, unusual thoughts from time to time, we don’t feel the need to act on them.

It certainly appears that we have the ability to control many of our thoughts and emotions. Thus, if we have a positive attitude, we will have mostly positive thoughts. If we have a negative attitude, we will have mostly negative thoughts. However, no matter how positive you are, you will have some negative, troubling thoughts. And no matter how negative you are, you will have some positive thoughts and emotions.

Each of us has uncontrolled thoughts that pop up, often out of nowhere. You can attempt to deny this, but I’ve found it is simply an unavoidable part of the human experience.

If fighting unwanted thoughts and emotions works for you, go ahead and fight them. I consider it a losing battle so I stopped battling.

Relax and allow the uncontrollable thoughts to be there. Not an easy task but the only road that will bring you the peace you want.

– Jeff Keller
© 2008