Here are some comments that I received from subscribers in response to the message on February 24, 2009 titled Friendships (Part 1).

Subscriber Comments:

I very much enjoyed this piece and it spurred to think more on something that was already on my mind.

My husband of 30 yrs passed away suddenly 4 years ago…we were best friends. I gave my time and energy to my husband and son, and the things that their schooling and hobbies brought into our lives. With his death and my son going to college, these connections were severed and so were many of my friends. It was not that these people did not care about me, it was just that everyone’s life goes on and we only have a certain amount of control over it when we are in a family situation.

So, I have had to learn to make friends, change my view of friendship and enjoy time alone.
I use to think that friendship was a complete package….like a marriage; and it can be, but more often it is someone that I enjoy a part of myself with…not the whole. I have learned to take these partial friendships and enjoy what they have to offer.

I have also opened myself up to being friends with people that I really didn’t think I had anything in common with…learn from them, their differences…it has opened my eyes to many different ways of life and feeling. It has also made me realize that I can really enjoy friendship with almost anyone. I went back to college and found friends that were 30 years younger…some of these friendships have become quite important.

* * * *

Jeff, like you I am very proud to say I have maintained a deep friendship with a childhood friend of mine for over 40 years. I also have friendships with other special people – one for the last 27 years, another for 30 years as well as three ten-year friendships. Your five insights on this issue are right on target.

I am very proud of my long lasting friendships mentioned above but I am also very proud of all the people who were part of my life in many different seasons of my life who are no longer in my life. These “angels at the right time” taught me lessons I needed to learn at a particular time. Our experiences/life situations are our lessons. We are always where we are supposed to be. Some friendships are meant for a week, a month, a year or several years. Some friendships are meant for a lifetime.

I bless and thank God for everyone who was and is part of my life. As the great Apostle Paul said: All things work for the good who have faith in our Lord.

* * * *

Jeff, this column is very meaningful to me, especially in light of some current happenings.

Last weekend, my wife and I attended a wedding of the son of a good buddy from elementary school. It was a great time. He and I picked up like it was yesterday and I realized how much I missed seeing him. Why hadn’t we connected much in the past few years? For some of reasons you stated in your column (basically life and distance got in the way). He and I can talk about today and don’t spend too much time on the old days or the “Glory Days” that Bruce Springsteen sings about. He is one of the few lifelong friends that I have.

Your comments about there not being any “shoulds” and living in the moment really hit home. I realize this more and more as I get older.

* * * *

Thank you for bringing up the Friendship topic. One thing that I know is true about me is that I tend to be the “maintain-er” of several of my friendships. Maybe it is because I am so social and loyal? I have about a dozen friends who I love and would not give up. About a third from elementary and high school, a third from college, the rest for only the past 20 years. With some of these special friends, it is a mutual effort to stay in contact. In a couple they make more effort than I do. I lost one friend that I really tried hard to keep in my life. Certainly our lives went in different directions, but she quit responding to my outreach. It’s comfortable to see each other, we are just not close. In general I am the one who continues to reach out, maintaining the relationships.

I consider myself an instigator and organize women friends for special events. In those cases I tend to invite everyone, giving them the opportunity to join in or not. Because it takes initiative and effort to make arrangements, if the work is done for them, people appreciate it and try to join in. It does take time, but since I find it rewarding, it is worth it to me.

* * * *

I find that when I meet with old friends we do recap fun events from our past and I enjoy it completely but then I want to know how they are feeling today. What are their thoughts on life, politics, spirituality, etc.

It is then that we sometimes really know if we have grown apart and don’t share the same interests.

I do have to say that I am an only child and I have two friends from pre-school (35 year friendship) so these friendships are very important to me. I only see them 4 or 5 times a year and talk every 2 weeks on the phone but when we get together it is all present information.

* * * *
You definitely touched on a topic that has troubled me for years. I have a twin sister and we have always been BEST friends. While we have had other friends together and separately (we’ve lived in different states since college graduation and are in our 40s) neither of us feels as close a bond to any other person than we do to each other. I guess that’s only normal–we’ve shared almost every single life experience that each of us have had. There is NO ONE in my circle of “friends” now that I can share those concerns with.

It seems like every person that I’ve been friends with–while I enjoy seeing them when we DO get together, they are not people with whom I could share my deepest darkest secrets. A lot of that has to do with trust. I know that I can tell my sister something and it will go no further. Another big thing is just feeling a connection with another person–that you understand each other.

One of my oldest friends from grade school still lives nearby, and we do things together fairly regularly, but she’s one of those types of people who tries to make a situation “better” rather than just commiserating with me when there is a problem. Sometimes you aren’t looking for a “solution” but rather just someone to talk to who understands your feelings and can totally relate to what you’re saying!

I do feel that my lack of bonding with others has a lot to do with the close bond I have with my twin, because there is no one else that I’ve ever met that is so much like me and has the same thoughts and feelings as I do about everything. I realize my perspective is pretty unique! I passed your email to her and she reacted in exactly the same way as I did (no surprise there!).

* * * *

This is the first in a series of messages that will explore the topic of friendships. So much of our emotional and spiritual development is shaped by the friendships we form in our neighborhood, at school, at work, and even through the internet.

In this message, I’m going to discuss the ebb and flow of friends that are in our lives. In referring to “friends” I am NOT talking about boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, or intimate relationships of that nature.

I’ve noticed, as I’m sure you have, that some friends seem to “come and go” in our lives. One moment, we’re very close with a friend, spending much time together and staying in touch through phone calls or email. We become a significant part of each other’s life. We’re so sure that we’ve found a “friend for life.”

Then, for whatever reason, the friendship changes and we rarely see or communicate with this person. In some cases, we may have no contact with this friend for years.

Sometimes we lose touch with a friend because one of the parties moves away and there is a physical barrier to the maintenance of a close friendship. Yet, as you know, sometimes there can be great physical distance between friends and yet the ties remain very close.

Sometimes our interests change, or our life situation changes, and we are no longer in sync with a particular friend. Spiritual views can separate us. Taking up different hobbies can separate us. Getting married or having children can drive a wedge between a friendship.

It’s just a mystery to me how close friendships can seemingly evaporate or go into hibernation for extended periods of time.

I don’t mean to imply that all friendships are fleeting. My best friend from childhood is still my best friend, and we have maintained that friendship for more than 45 years.

What I’m focusing on in this message are those friendships that we don’t maintain – or at least not at the close level we experienced at an earlier time. If you’re like me, you’ve often wondered why you no longer stay in touch with certain “old” friends.

When you reach the point where you seldom communicate with your friend, both of you will say something like, “We have to get together soon” or “we have to stay in touch.” And then neither of you follows through, except perhaps to send a holiday card or an occasional email.

In a moment, I’ll offer some thoughts on this issue and what I have learned. They are not meant to be “universal” principles that apply to you. Your perspective on why friendships come and go (or lose their initial closeness) might be radically different. My aim is to get you thinking about this issue from YOUR perspective, perhaps to gain some insights of your own.

Here are some of my discoveries relating to friendships that seem to disappear or lose their close connection:

1. There are no “shoulds.” At this point in my life, I rarely question why a particular friendship has grown somewhat distant. Nor do I feel the need to take the initiative and try to revive old friendships. Life unfolds in a mysterious fashion. Things seem to happen for a reason. For some reason, that friendship was important at one time. For some reason, the friendship became distant. I suppose that we (myself and the friend) are no longer meant to be in each other’s life now.

The mind likes to create expectations and make judgments about our friendships, suggesting that we “should” be maintaining a closer relationship with our “old” friends. This mind game only leads to guilt and frustration. The relationship is what it is. I’ve come to accept it.

2. The pace and complexity of life has made it very difficult to maintain friendships. Simply put, life has become too busy for most people. There are many friends that I had in college who drifted out of my life quickly once they got married and had children. All of their time and energy went to their work and family responsibilities. In the decades since I graduated, life has become significantly more complex. Everyone’s calendar is filled to the brim with work and family activities, leaving little discretionary time for keeping in touch with old friends.

I realize that some busy people ARE able to juggle the responsibilities of life while maintaining their old friendships. But I’ve noticed that many are not able to do so.

3. Many friendships thrive only in a particular environment or setting. You might be very close with someone at school – either in high school, college or graduate school. In that context, you form a bond. Once you leave that environment, the friendship may fade. The same happens when you work at the same company with someone or participate in a community organization. When one or both of you leave that environment, you don’t maintain the friendship as you once did.

4. All we need to do is live in the moment. Isn’t there enough going on in the present moment, so that we don’t need to rekindle friendships of the past? There are countless opportunities now for developing new friendships and for spending time with those “old” friends who still remain close with us.

As you know, when we get together with some of our old friends, especially those we don’t see very often, our tendency is to relive the “good old days” and talk about experiences we shared in the past. That can be very enjoyable, yet it can also limit us.

Perhaps some of these friendships lose their closeness so we can loosen our ties to the past and gain new perspectives. As we grow spiritually, we tend to have less interest in re-telling our old stories and more interest in seeing what presents itself in this moment.

5. People change. There is no doubt that some friendships lose their bond when one (or both) of the individuals changes. When one person makes a significant change in terms of values, beliefs, behavior and/or interests, that is often enough to dampen the relationship. The rapport that existed before is no longer present.

* * *

I realize that I have only touched the surface of what is a very broad topic. Please share some of your insights on this subject of friends who come and go in your life – and the discoveries you have made. If I publish any excerpts from your comments, I will not include your name or email address. Thus, your privacy will be maintained.

I look forward to receiving your comments.

– Jeff Keller
© 2009

Today’s message is reprinted with the permission of my dear friend, Gloria Wendroff, founder of Heavenletters™. Since 1999, Gloria has transcribed the inspired word of God as she hears it. She has transcribed over 3,000 Heavenletters™ and e-mails a new one every day to subscribers all over the world.

I have been a subscriber to Heavenletters™ for several years and they have touched my heart and been of great value to me on my own spiritual journey. Enjoy this message and for more information about Gloria and Heavenletters™, visit http://www.heavenletters.org

Heavenletter #3001 One Family, One World

God said:

Whose heart could you lift right now? Let Me rephrase the question. Whose heart could you not lift right now? Whose heart cannot use some lifting? Who has not had troubles in his life? Who has not been hurt? Who is not still carrying some scars? The need for upliftment is great.

What if you actually believe that everyone is your brother, or your sister, or mother or father, or son or daughter?

What are the changes that such a view would make in you? And if everyone you touched with even a dot of love gave that dot to another, how long would it take before everyone would have felt the touch of your love? How long would it take before everyone would bless everyone?

Then where would the base emotions go? There would be no place for anger, greed, selfishness, insecurity, fear and so on to exist. Everyone would feel the support of loving arms. Think of it, everyone would be brother, sister, mother, father, and child to you. Who would not be your family? Then We would truly have the Family of Man on Earth.

When everyone helps everyone else, who would need help? Where would be the room for suffering? Who could possibly shoot another? Who would not be helped across the street? Who would go hungry when there is food for all?

No one would sacrifice, oh, not at all. When all are welcome and all extend themselves, sacrifice wouldn’t exist. Joy would take its place.

Picture a world where love abounds. Picture a world filled with Greatness. In this world of love, every single soul would be Christ, or Buddha, or Mohammed, or Moses. Everyone would be enlightened.

You wouldn’t want enlightenment just for yourself. You would want it for everyone. You wouldn’t have it any other way. You would want everyone to rise with you. No one would even think of competing. There would be love for all and no need for solace to anyone. There would indeed be One Nation, One Family, One World.

I can think of no better picture than to think of where all would be included. There would be no exclusion, no banishment, no imprisonment, no punishment, no crime, no wrongs. All would be right with the world. Everyone would have a pillow to rest his head on.

All children would be everyone’s. No one would be motherless or fatherless. The word orphan would be unknown. There would be no foster parents either because every child would belong to all. There would be no adoptions either because there would be no need to adopt when every child is yours to begin with.

There would be no thieves, for who would even think of stealing from his neighbor or himself? All would be neighbors, and in the fullness of light, you would indeed love your neighbor as yourself. You would know above all that your neighbor is yourself.

You would see Me in everyone, which is to say, you would see yourself in everyone. Words like Thou and I would no longer exist. Words like Thou and I would be preposterous. No one would know what the meaning of such words could possibly be. The concept would be unheard of.

All would be We. We would become so grand and wonderful, that We would inevitably become I again, and We all would know that there is definitely, definitively, only One and how wonderful that One would be.

Savor this world I ask you to picture now, for this picture will manifest itself right before your eyes.

© 2009 Heavenletters™

To learn more about Heavenletters™ and subscribe, go to www.heavenletters.org  

In the U.S. these days, there has been a lot of talk about swimmer Michael Phelps and baseball star Alex Rodriguez.

For those who may not be sports fans, Michael Phelps is 23 years-old and won a record 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympic games. A few weeks ago, a picture surfaced showing Phelps with a marijuana pipe.

Alex Rodriguez plays for the New York Yankees and is one of the most accomplished baseball players of all time. Recently, he admitted that he used performance enhancing drugs (steroids) between 2001 and 2003. He had previously denied that he ever used steroids.

Much of the discussion in the U.S. has come from adults who are disappointed that these two individuals (Phelps and Rodriguez) have failed to serve as role models, or good examples, for America’s youth.

The argument goes like this: you are a celebrity and kids look up to you. Thus, you SHOULD behave in a way that is moral and ethical.

I’ve been thinking that this whole concept of role models really makes little sense. How can we tell others how they “should” act? Why would we expect them to be able to act in the way we want them to act?

Does your spouse always act as a perfect role model? Did your mother or father always act as a perfect role model? Most importantly, do YOU always act as the example for today’s youth?

It makes no sense to single out famous people (often young people in sports and the entertainment industry) and set them up as role models.

Famous people – like all people – are what they are. Telling them what they should be, or how they should act, is living in a fantasy world.

Michael Phelps is probably the best swimmer ever to dive into a pool. But he is also a young guy – and he is acting as many 23-year-olds act. In 2004, he was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. Recently, he was caught with a marijuana pipe. And now we condemn him for not living up to our expectations and for not setting a good example for our children.

Michael Phelps is not a saint – and the same can be said of you and me. We have done things that are not considered “perfect” moral and ethical conduct.

By the way, have you ever driven a vehicle under the influence of alcohol? You may not have been pulled over by the police, but many of you will admit that at some time in your life (especially during the ages of 18-25), you drove after drinking some alcohol. It is only by the grace of God that no harm flowed from your action and that your name didn’t end up in the newspaper. I’m also willing to go out on a limb and guess that one or two of you could have been captured in a photo holding, or worse yet, inhaling, a marijuana cigarette.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Alex Rodriguez, for all his talent, is a man with many flaws. So what? Why should we expect him to change his ways and be a role model for our youth?

When stories of “misconduct” are revealed about athletes or celebrities, we then expect them to go around the country – or the world – to preach to youth about the dangers of engaging in the conduct they engaged in (such as drinking alcohol or taking drugs). It’s what we EXPECT them to do, regardless of whether they want to do it. To please others and continue to earn large amounts of money, these celebrities often agree to act as we want them to act.

Why not just drop this idea of setting up people as role models? I don’t need to look to famous people or “unknown” people to determine how I should act. The very idea of telling someone else how they should act is insane. Who am I to tell anyone how to act?

When we expect celebrities to act like perfect human beings, all we’re doing is setting up a situation where failure is inevitable. And then, instead of questioning the concept of role models, we condemn the celebrity who committed the misconduct.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t admire the qualities in others that we find praiseworthy, and that we may want to adopt as our own. Many athletes and celebrities are marvelous examples of hard work, persistence and courage. They inspire us – and today’s youth — to develop these traits.

But we get in trouble when we expect these human beings to be what they are not. Michael Phelps is a young man who still wants to have fun and party. Whether you agree with his actions or not, he’s being himself. That’s the real Michael Phelps. I’m not judging him for being what he is – just accepting it.

Same is true for Alex Rodriguez. He has his insecurities, his egotistical ways, marital infidelities and other flaws. Just like the rest of us. Alex is being who he is, not who we want him to be.

Many will say that they accomplished things in life or developed character because they had a role model, such as their father, mother or grandparent. However, in these instances, the person who was admired did not try to become a role model by being something they were not.

And if we look closely even at our most cherished role models, we will find that they too had flaws, that not every act they committed in their lives was worthy of imitation or praise.

I don’t think we need to look outside ourselves to find the right way to live. All we need is to connect with our essence, the Divine spark within.

If a person surrenders his or her will to God and lives accordingly, what else is needed? Wouldn’t moral and ethical conduct flow from that commitment? Why not teach that approach to our children?

That is just one option. I’m sure you could come up with many other approaches that would serve our youth.

What doesn’t serve our children is to expect famous people to be what they are not.

– Jeff Keller
© 2009

Marcia Jameson, one of the subscribers to this newsletter, publishes her own newsletter, “Did you know…”

I always enjoy Marcia’s beautiful writing, her creativity and insights. In honor of Valentine’s Day tomorrow, I wanted to share one of Marcia’s recent messages with you. I’ll include some information below on how you can subscribe to her newsletter.

– Jeff Keller

Contributed by Marcia Jameson

Did you know…

that your heart is more than just a little pump…
much more!

A colleague asked me to do some HEARTstorming. The word threw me for a loop. I experienced a mental speedbump while searching to make sense of what she had just said.

Heartstorming? Searching, searching… that must be like brainstorming…kind of?? But using our hearts instead of our heads to generate ideas.

Got me to thinking…

The brain has all the status and clout. It reigns supreme among the human organs. Sits on top, literally! It is credited with being the center of human consciousness, the center of our intelligence, and the source of our power.

But what if it isn’t?

What if the real source of our power, intelligence and consciousness is in our hearts?

Our brain thinks; our heart knows. Our brain judges; our heart loves. Our brain divides; our heart connects. Our brain sees duality; our heart sees wholeness.

In honor of Valentine’s Day this week, let your heart take center stage…

Give birth to a heartchild to play with your brainchild.
Harness your heartpower to complement your brainpower.
Try a little heartstorming instead of brainstorming.

Let me know how it goes.

Happy Valentine’s Day!
Joyfully!
Marcia Jameson
Creative Conversations
© 2009

If you would like to subscribe to “Did you know…” just send a blank email to: didyouknow2009@aweber.com  and follow the instructions you receive.

Here are some interesting quotes I find to be helpful reminders on the spiritual path. Whether or not they resonate with you, I think you might find them worthy of consideration.

Lord, grant that I may not so much seek to be loved as to love.
- St. Francis of Assisi

A mind that is fast is sick.
A mind that is slow is sound.
A mind that is still is divine.
- Meher Baba

The little unremembered acts of kindness and love are the best of a good man’s life.
- William Wordsworth

The true saint goes in and out amongst the people and eats and sleeps with them and buys and sells in the market and marries and takes part in social intercourse, and never forgets God for a single moment.
- Abu Sa’id

Man cannot live without joy; therefore when he is deprived of true spiritual joys it is necessary that he become addicted to carnal pleasures.
- St. Thomas Aquinas

But in the end all religions tend to point to the same light. In between the light and us sometimes there are too many rules.
- Paulo Coelho

One of the subscribers to “Your Spiritual Journey” was kind enough to send me a link to a 5-minute video called “The Pale Blue Dot.” He felt that you might be interested in watching the video.

Enjoy the video and perhaps you will find it as fascinating and thought provoking as I did.

The voice on the video is that of the late astronomer Carl Sagan.

http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=MnFMrNdj1yY

– Jeff Keller

The local newspaper is delivered to our home every morning. The paper is delivered by someone driving a car, who tosses the newspaper at the foot of the driveway. Regardless of weather conditions, the paper is delivered around 4:30 am.

As you might expect, I’m usually sleeping at that time. On most days, I go outside to pick up the newspaper around 6:15.

The same man has been delivering the newspaper to our house for about 10 years. I have never met him and thus have no idea what he looks like. I don’t know any details about him, such as his age, marital status, whether he has children, etc.

All I know is that every day (except for a few days in this 10 year period), the newspaper is there when I go outside. It is there when there is intense fog. It is there when it’s raining or snowing.

Do I feel a sense of gratitude each time I pick up the newspaper, in recognition of this man’s efforts? I must confess that I don’t. I don’t think about him at all… except when the newspaper is wet because some rain or snow got inside the plastic wrapping. Then, I mumble something to myself such as “Why didn’t he wrap the plastic bag more carefully so the paper would be dry?”

But other than an occasional minor issue like that, this man does an excellent job of delivering the newspaper. I reap the benefits of his work, as I have the convenience of being able to read the paper early in the day without leaving our home.

The delivery man makes a significant contribution to my life EVERY day. And yet I don’t think about him when I go outside to pick up the paper each day. I am concentrating on getting the newspaper so my wife and I can read it. It’s all about me and my world.

Two days ago, I finally thought about the delivery man because I got a letter from him.

Tucked inside the Sunday newspaper was a letter from the delivery man. It was a typed letter to all of his customers, in response to the gratuities and holiday gifts he received in the mail at the end of last year.

He wrote to thank his customers for their gifts, which he appreciated, especially in these challenging economic times. He talked about how the price of gas has a significant impact on him. He was grateful that the price of gas had fallen recently.

It’s funny. When gas prices were very high about six months ago, I never thought how that might affect the newspaper delivery man. I suppose I was thinking more about how much money I had to take out of my pocket each time I filled my own gas tank.

Sure, I would think about those who might be out of work and couldn’t afford the higher gas prices. But I never gave a moment’s thought to how the high prices might cause a hardship for this man.

In his letter, he also described the challenges he faced making the deliveries in the winter when the roads are snowy and icy. He pointed out that when he delivers the papers so early in the morning, the city or village snow plows haven’t yet plowed the roads. The conditions are much different than they are a few hours later when the rest of us are driving.

He described how he slips and slides on the road, and the difficulties of going up and down hills. I was fascinated to enter his world – the world of driving in snow on unplowed roads around 4 o’clock in the morning!

I never thought about what he had to go through driving on slippery, icy roads before the roads have been plowed. All I cared about on each of those snowy days is whether he successfully delivered MY newspaper, and whether I would have trouble finding it in the snow.

What a limited view I have.

The delivery man’s letter really opened my eyes and allowed me to enter a new world. The world as he sees it and lives it. I have so much more gratitude for what he does, so much more appreciation for the obstacles he faces…so he can deliver my newspaper each day.

I also see the connection, the shared humanity we are a part of. I never saw that before as I picked the newspaper off the driveway each morning. I realized that I would have the same concerns he had, and share many of the feelings he had, if I were the one making the newspaper deliveries.

He even included some insightful words at the end of his letter by saying: “This country needs a big change in attitude (at least some) from me to we. I forget who said this but one of the founding fathers stated that democracy does not work unless everyone takes care of each other and doesn’t think only of the individual. Sounds like good advice.”

Very sound advice, indeed.

This man helped me to see the small world I inhabit, a world concentrated on ME. What a beautiful opening I found when this man gave me a glimpse into his world.

When I walk down the driveway to pick up the newspaper each morning, I’d like to think that my perspective will be a little different from now on. I can now see the human side of what goes on in his world and appreciate all that he does to serve me.

Better yet, I hope I can develop this openness with everyone who crosses my path — the cashier at the checkout in the supermarket, the business executive, and the homeless person on the street. Their lives are rich, and have the potential to enrich my life. We can share the magic of our humanity, if I will only remember to look beyond my small world.

– Jeff Keller
© 2009