Friendships (Part 2)
In this message, I’ll discuss what I refer to as “Conditional Friendships.” These are friendships we maintain because of some benefit that we derive from them. When the benefit is no longer there, we often allow these friendships to “expire.”
This happens most often in the context of our business relationships, but is not limited to that context. It can also happen with our relationships in the community, and even in our relationships with those in our congregation or place of worship.
What I am learning is just how widespread these conditional friendships are – and how we tend to deny their true nature. I’m not suggesting that we should feel guilty for establishing and maintaining these conditional friendships – only that we should face up to them and see them as they are – a barter arrangement of some kind.
Let me offer some examples. If you are doing business with someone, you may begin to feel very close with that person. You share stories about your families. You talk about hobbies or other interests. You begin to see each other as friends, perhaps close friends. You feel sure that this person will be your friend for many, many years to come.
And yet, once the business relationship is severed for some reason – the friendship often comes to an end. You no longer speak to that person. The close connection you felt you had with this person is gone.
What happened?
The friendship, at some level, was built upon what you could get from each other. The benefit is often money, but need not be limited to that. Another benefit we may get from friendships is prestige. We often want to be friends with prominent people because it strokes our ego. If they lose their prominence, we no longer want to be associated with them.
During some business relationships or other conditional relationships you may find that you contributed your time or money to a charity that was important to your friend. You felt good about supporting a worthy cause. Once the business connection ends, you may stop supporting that charity. Why?
Because your motive in supporting the charity was to please your friend. Now, I’m not saying you didn’t get some benefit by supporting a good cause. But it wasn’t enough for you to continue, and that should tell you something. I admit that I’ve done the same thing, and yet at the time I didn’t recognize I was supporting the charity for what I was getting from it.
Over the last 20 years, I had many opportunities to work with clients who hired me for speaking engagements. In the months planning and preparing for the event, I would have extensive discussions with the meeting planner working in the client organization. I developed what I often thought were close friendships – friendships that were sure to go beyond the event.
The event would go very well and the meeting planner would express his or her appreciation. The client was delighted. I was delighted. I looked forward to the continuing friendship.
Boy, was I wrong. Again and again.
Once the event was over, the relationship was over. It was difficult to get a response to a phone call or an email. Simply put, the person had moved on to the next project. Yes, I’ve done the same thing.
Sure, there are exceptions, and I have maintained some wonderful friendships with clients over the years. But I never cease to be amazed at how “friendships” can evaporate when the business relationship is no longer active.
You may say that people in the business world are busy and don’t have the time to maintain friendships. They must focus on the next project of interest to their organization. This may be true. I’m just pointing out the nature of these conditional relationships.
Finally, let’s consider some of the recent investment scandals that have rocked the financial world. Most notable is the 50 billion dollar fraud perpetrated by Bernard Madoff. His actions have wiped out people’s life savings and have left charities with no funds to operate.
One day before the disclosure of Mr. Madoff’s fraud, he had MANY friends. Many people considered themselves to be in an elite group because they had an opportunity to invest with him. They gained prestige and money (or so they thought) by investing in his fund.
Once the fraud was disclosed, he had no friends. Those claiming to be his friend for decades now “disowned” him because of his lies and the damage he left in his path.
I’m not for a moment condoning the fraud perpetrated by Mr. Madoff. The devastation he caused is beyond comprehension. Yet, I do find it interesting that a man with so many friends now has none that are willing to speak up for him and support him in any way. Since the announcement of this fraud, I haven’t seen a single person step forward to say a kind word about Mr. Madoff.
Every person who felt they were a friend of Mr. Madoff had entered into a conditional friendship with him. When the money was gone, the friendship was gone. I recognize that Mr Madoff perpetrated decades of lies. Can we maintain friendships with those who lie to us? How do our religions and spiritual traditions challenge us to act in these instances?
Somehow, we usually find a way to continue to love family members who may lie to us or cause us to lose money. That is because our love for them is unconditional.
Look at the many relationships in your life, aside from family relationships. If you’re honest I think you will find that some of them, especially in the business context, are conditional relationships. You are getting something out of the friendship, and if the benefits are withdrawn, the friendship will end.
This is not a crime. Yet I feel our spirit invites us to face the truth about the nature of our friendships. By looking at this issue head-on, I learned some things about myself. Perhaps you can benefit by seeing how this applies to your life.
I welcome your comments on this topic. If I receive a significant number of responses, I will publish some of them on Friday, March 6. Otherwise, the next issue of this newsletter is scheduled to be sent out on Friday, March 13.
– Jeff Keller
© 2009