Here’s Some Advice For You
I’m guessing that some of you, upon first seeing the title of today’s message, thought “Who is this guy to give me advice? I don’t need his advice.”
Perhaps this can offer some insight into how others might feel when we offer them advice, particularly when they haven’t asked for our advice.
It’s tempting to give advice. We want to help people. Yet, as the years go by, I find myself giving less and less unsolicited advice. When I am really passionate about something and feel I have something to offer in the way of helpful information, I do so. In all other cases, I try to keep my mouth shut.
What I discovered is that I was fooling myself about the reason I was giving advice. I thought it was only to help the other person. This is not true – if you’re willing to be honest with yourself.
There is ego involvement in giving advice. We want to demonstrate our information to others. We want others to appreciate us for the help we are giving. We are not offering advice simply to help. That is clear to me now.
For example, say you give advice to someone and they don’t follow your advice. You recommend a carpenter to your neighbor. You tell the neighbor what great work the carpenter did for you. You spend ten minutes explaining why this carpenter is the best person they could ever find for their carpentry work.
Your neighbor listens to what you say and then hires someone else. How do you feel now? You’re hurt and disappointed that the neighbor didn’t follow your advice.
Even if the neighbor hired the carpenter you recommended and was thoroughly pleased with the work, how would you feel if the neighbor never thanked you for the information?
Most likely, you’d be very upset. You were not giving the information solely to help your neighbor. If that were your real – and only – motive, you’d be delighted whether or not the neighbor thanked you.
But your ego wants more than to have your neighbor’s carpentry work done properly. Your ego wants to be thanked and recognized for providing the information.
When we offer unsolicited advice, what we’re usually saying is “This is what I think is best.” This may or may not be the best option for the other person. Our decisions are based on our own preferences, our own values, our own background and conditioning.
These days my spirit feels better allowing other people to live their lives without me offering advice. I simply can’t know what is right for someone else, or what they might need to go through at the time.
Yet the urge to give advice continues to arise from time to time and sometimes my mouth opens even when the willpower tells me to keep the mouth closed. That’s ok.
I invite you to bring some awareness to this issue of giving advice. When do you give advice? How often? To whom? Why do you give advice?
You might discover some interesting things, just as I have.
– Jeff Keller
© 2009