No Need for an Apology
The recent feud between David Letterman and Governor Sarah Palin got me thinking about apologies. I can only speak from my experiences in the United States, and I don’t know how other nations or cultures feel about apologies.
Without going into too many specifics, here is what happened. Talk show host David Letterman made some very crude sexual jokes on his nightly television show about Gov. Palin and her teenage daughter. Many people demanded that Letterman issue an apology to Gov. Palin and her family. Several days later, Letterman issued an apology on television. Now, people are debating whether the apology went far enough, and whether Letterman was sincere in issuing the apology.
I don’t want to get bogged down here in debating Letterman’s actions. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, and this is a very trivial matter in the scheme of world events. Personally, I think the jokes were insensitive and inappropriate, but I don’t think they called for any drastic sanctions like firing Letterman. Enough said on that.
What I’d like to focus on here is how you, individually — and we, as a society, view apologies. These days, when a public figure makes a statement we think is inappropriate, some people demand that the person making the statement issue an apology. Often, there is a demand that the person be fired from his or her job as well, but let’s not go there now.
Why is it so important to us that another person apologize? Why do we seem to NEED an apology in certain circumstances?
I no longer see the sense in demanding an apology from anyone. And to say that anyone needs an apology is simply untrue. Nobody needs an apology.
Sure, it would be nice if someone who inflicted physical or emotional pain on us issued an apology. We tend to feel better when we get an apology. It can be very healing to the person who offers the apology – and to the one who receives it.
However, when we claim to need an apology, we’re just setting ourselves up to suffer.
Our criminal justice system embraces this focus on apology and remorse. We expect, and in fact, we often demand, that the perpetrator of a crime show remorse and apologize for his act. We vow to punish the perpetrator more if he refuses to apologize or if his apology is not sincere enough.
In the Letterman-Palin controversy, many people are now debating whether Letterman’s public apology was sufficient. Did he do it to save his job? Did he do it to appease the advertising companies who threatened to withdraw sponsorship of his program? Did he do it because he really was sorry for his comments?
How can we ever know for certain what is in the heart of the person who apologizes? Perhaps the perpetrator of the crime is simply a good actor as he cries and begs for mercy at his sentencing so he will obtain a shorter sentence. Maybe he is really sincere.
For me, apologies are either heartfelt and willingly given, or they are meaningless. Society declares that we are supposed to apologize in certain situations, so we do it to please other people or get a benefit. This kind of apology is a very conditional apology. It is given in exchange for something.
This issue about apologizing also comes up in the context of family relationships and friendships. We all know people (or have ourselves been one of those people) who got angry with a family member or friend because of something they did or said that was hurtful. We sever the relationship or treat the other person coldly until he or she apologizes.
So often, we hear phrases like, “She owes me an apology.”
As we mature, perhaps we can see that we don’t need anyone to apologize. We are putting ourselves at the whim of others and demanding they feel the way we want them to feel – and that they act the way we want them to act. Talk about a recipe for misery.
In many cases, we want apologies from people who are no longer around to give them. We may have a deceased relative who abused us or harmed us and we feel we can’t be whole without this apology. We may yearn for an apology from a deceased parent who didn’t show us enough love.
We don’t need the apology as we are already whole. There is nothing an apology could “add” to us. The issue is never the other person. It’s a thought we hold in our own minds and we hold the key to releasing the thought and its related emotions.
I am beginning to see that I don’t need anyone to do anything for me to be at peace. And that includes apologies. If another person wants to apologize, that’s fine. If he or she doesn’t want to apologize, that’s fine too.
Regarding actions I have taken that may have harmed others, I will apologize when that is what my heart wishes to express. No doubt I may feel societal pressure in certain situations to apologize – and perhaps I might give in and do it. Yet I would KNOW that what I am doing is insincere.
It’s funny that despite many religions which emphasize forgiveness for those who have wronged us, we tend to focus on receiving an apology rather than on offering forgiveness to the person who we feel harmed us.
I welcome your comments and insights on this topic – and feel free to disagree with anything presented here.
But if you ask me for an apology, you probably won’t get one.
– Jeff Keller
© 2009