No Need for an Apology (Reader Comments)
I received many comments in response to the last message, “No Need for an Apology,” published on June 19, 2009 – and have included some of them below.
Reader Comments:
“The key word as you mentioned is peace. We have been conditioned to believe there is an order in which forgiveness is attained. There is a wrongdoing (sin), an acknowledgement of “sin” and pleading for forgiveness (confession), and finally we are “pardoned” or forgiven and can achieve “peace”. If we have been wronged, we often find it difficult to forgive until someone has apologized and asked for forgiveness. I believe the fundamental problem with this concept is that we rely on someone else to attain peace.
Additionally, we spend our time dishing out servings of guilt in hopes that the jerk who did us wrong will be shamed into apologizing. Perhaps the person we think is a jerk actually really is sorry for whatever he did, yet we believe he needs to suffer for his mistake. This brings up the point that even if they do apologize, we can judge that they are not sorry enough and need to go further than an apology. The fact is that if they apologize because they feel it may help the person they hurt to feel better, then there is often nothing more that can be done.
In the same sense, if they apologize because they are shamed, afraid, or otherwise not genuine, there is still nothing more that can be done. So, it seems the best we can do is acknowledge that whatever happened is the past, it should be forgiven, we should learn from it, and we should continue to love if we expect to achieve peace.”
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“I used to be a teacher and intervene if kids were fighting, and then ask the one who started it to apologise. I never felt at ease with this because if you can even work out who started it, there is no way that kid means his apology, if he can even be cajoled or rebuked into giving it. I think it also makes it seem like it’s ok to do something wrong as long as you apologise after, whether you mean it or not.
We had a recent incident here with Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand, similar to the one you mentioned, and it was demanded they make a public apology for what they’d said, which they duly did. I doubt the apologies were sincere, probably more of a job keeping exercise, which makes a mockery of being sorry. I think you are right that we don’t ‘need’ apologies at the end of the day, although a genuine one is sometimes nice to hear.”
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“This article reminded me of something I once heard and incorporated into my child rearing strategies. It goes like this: If you really meant to say or do something do not apologize for it. The apology would be empty and meaningless. ie If my child said “I hate you” when angry at me for something I said or did. I did not want or expect an apology. Because at the time of the outbursts they probably really did hate me. This was not a forever hate — I knew that and respected their honesty.”
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“I have been talking with people for years about forgiveness and letting go… ‘forgiveness is a gift you give yourself’. I strongly agree that as long as you are waiting for something (like an apology) from someone else, you are giving them your power. “The best revenge is to live well”, and if you can’t live well because you’re busy waiting for an apology, then your life is negatively affected, and that’s really sad. When do people apologize to themselves for the pain and suffering they have endured as a result of something they suffered through in the past and never let go of? “
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“Your rambling opinion on “No Need for an Apology” completely missed the point on the public’s reaction to Letterman’s crude comments and so-called apology. The point is….Letterman and most other mainstream media have gone too far with their hateful, mean spirited remarks. Finally people are starting to step up and say enough is enough. What happened to integrity, character and respect for others? For you to pass this off as a little “apology” issue is no better than Letterman.”
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From my point of view, I never request an apology. It is pointless. It is meaningless.
My solution:
1) If a verbal sting or outburst comes my way, I keep silent and try to get peaceful.
2) The best solution, in my humble view, is to say a few times over and over again what Jesus said on the Cross:
“God Forgive Them because they know not what they say or do.”
Benefits to Me:
* This simple mantra, I feel, is far more effective than any apology this person or any other person might offer.
* It invokes the help of God.
* It squarely acknowledges that the offending person is forgiven by me, and implies they will have to fixed by God – since obviously I can’t “fix” anyone.
* It helps me to “Let go and let God.”
As to the rest of society, I think they will continue with what they are doing - requesting apologies. It is a temporary fix that makes them feel good. For me, I prefer my solution.
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“Thanks for this concept. My step daughter had a big issue with my daughter the other day and we talked about how my daughter wanted an apology and how the step daughter’s family never apologizes for anything. I had lost sight of the knowledge that the apology doesn’t really matter. It’s the thoughts we choose to harbor and the feelings we choose to have. I plan to share this with my daughter.”
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“Apologies are something that the individual feels that s/he needs to do without being asked. Outside of that there is no sincerity.”
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“Jesus said for us to forgive others who have forgiven us. I know there are discussions of whether we forgive only if they ask, I think Jesus is clear, we forgive regardless of an apology. So that’s what our job is, forgiveness. However, when we know we have offended others, I feel we should ask for forgiveness and whether they accept or not, we’ve done what Christ has asked us to do.”
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“I’m a big believer in encouraging people to take responsibility for their own thoughts and to come to an understanding that it is solely their choice how they perceive every situation and to know that each choice comes with a consequence that will either strengthen them or weaken them. When teaching workshops on forgiveness in the past, I feel honored to witness people “get it”.”
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“As I work on my Spiritual growth everyday, I realize that I define myself. If any family member, friend or any other acquaintance says something to insult/hurt me in anyway, that’s okay. I don’t need anyone’s apology to heal or make myself whole. I define who I am. It’s none of my business what anyone says or thinks about me.
Why should I waste my precious time getting someone’s approval? Our Lord made all of us a unique individual to fulfill his purposes. We all have a role to play to make all of us much better than we are now. As you said, if we get an apology, good but if not, that’s good too. We can never control anyone’s thoughts, words and actions towards us. We are the authors of our peace and happiness. When someone complains to me of what he or she said to them, my response is always: Okay but…what do YOU say about yourself?”
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I couldn’t agree more with you. For years my husband has considered me “flawed” since I seldom (willingly) offer an apology. But, you are absolutely correct when you state that either a person feels sincerely ashamed at some particular behavior or comment and willingly apologize, or if they do NOT feel ashamed but apologize anyway, it is simply meaningless.
The Palin/Letterman incident is yet another example of the “Politically Correct Police” getting into the act and then the fanatics latching on to make matters worse. It was “good” only in that it pointed out what a waste of time it is for any of us to watch these “celebrities” or to CARE the tiniest bit about what they say.
Unfortunately, people in other countries are also exposed to these people and their comments and extrapolate from them that ALL Americans must be this idiotic. More and more I feel ashamed that I even share the same space with some of these people that I see “celebrated” in the media. To give any of them air-time, and to pay them Big Bucks besides, tends to irritate me…until I remind myself to refocus my attention.”
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“I used to hold grudges when I knew I was right and as I have gotten older and perhaps wiser, it has occurred to me that this is wasted energy and it does not make me feel any better, hating the person. There is nothing I can do to change the person, so there is no point in harboring hateful and negative feelings. Now I just feel sorry for those who can be so nasty and heartless, I pray for them and then I forgive them.”
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Thank you for submitting your comments on this topic.
– Jeff Keller
© 2009