The Need for Approval (Part 1)
Psychologist William James said that “the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” Most people refer to this quotation to emphasize the importance of giving praise to others.
In this message, I’m going to look at this concept from a very different angle, a spiritual angle. In fact, I’ll modify Mr. James’s quote as follows: “one of the deepest obstacles to spiritual growth is the craving to be appreciated and to gain the approval of others.”
Throughout my journey of self-development and spiritual growth, I have done many exercises, read many books and listened to many audio programs that have helped me to get a better understanding of why I think and act as I do. And I made an interesting discovery about six months ago.
An incredibly high percentage of my thoughts and behaviors were influenced by one core principle: the need for approval.
In many instances in my life, I didn’t want to upset others or confront them because they might not like me. I didn’t simply “cave in” and do what others wanted all the time, but I’d often modify my words or actions in the hope that others would still like me.
Even our desire to perform a task at a high level comes down to a need for approval. Many of us worry that we won’t be good enough or that we will fail. Dig deeper to see what is underneath these concerns. We are concerned that if we don’t perform well enough (whatever standard we set for ourselves), others will not approve of us. And we desperately want their approval, whether it is from our boss, co-workers, spouse, parents, friends, children, and even strangers.
We believe, incorrectly, that our well-being is dependent upon the approval of others.
If you look at your own beliefs, your own goals, your own dreams and even your feelings — I think you will find that they are heavily influenced by a need for approval, a need to be liked. There may be a few exceptions, but not many.
Sometimes the need for approval or recognition is not easy to spot as the motive behind certain behaviors. For example, take the person who is very selfish and driven to succeed. We might say they don’t care what others think of them.
Yet, why are they driven to attain high positions or accumulate material wealth? In part, it is because others will look up to them and be impressed with their accomplishments. They will gain approval and admiration from a segment of the population.
This need for approval causes you to be someone you are NOT. You remain “on guard”, often worried that what you say or do will offend someone. If you were to be fully yourself, acting without regard to the response from others, you would take a certain course of action. However, when it becomes important to you to be liked, you modify your behavior.
Spirit invites you to be yourself, not the “actor” that is seeking the approval of others. Let’s face it. We all wear masks to some degree.
The way of the spirit is to be genuine. A very difficult road to travel, for sure. It requires courage and a willingness to let others disapprove. We must take the risk of not being liked – and choose authenticity as a higher value.
I want to go slowly on this topic, to give everyone a chance to see how pervasive this need for approval operates in all of our lives. Some of you may take my invitation to look inside and see how your actions and thoughts are related to the need for approval.
Others will not want to go there, and that’s fine.
For those who ARE willing, take some time to identify what makes you uneasy or afraid — and how you respond (or fail to respond) to these thoughts and feelings. Look at what you consider to be your weaknesses. Also, consider your goals and dreams. Can you see how the need for approval is operating in many of these situations?
You may identify some things that you believe are not rooted in the need for approval. Keep peeling away the layers of this onion. Don’t accept the first answer that comes into your mind. Challenge the response by asking “Why do I want this?” or “why is this important to me”? – and you’ll go further….until you see that the road leads to a need for approval.
I don’t claim to be the psychological authority on this issue. I’m only sharing what I discovered in myself and what I see in countless others who cross my path.
Once you are willing to see this need for approval in yourself, you can make progress in going beyond it. Awareness is an important first step.
– Jeff Keller
© 2009