The Gift of Your Calmness
When we get even the slightest glimpse of a spiritual perspective, we want to share it with others who are close to us. We know first-hand how much we have gained by not getting caught up completely in the turmoil of events around us. We have found a safe haven and we know that others can enter this safe haven as well.
Our desire to help is especially strong when we see a friend or family member going through a tough time. We want them to access the peace and strength that we have found. It’s not that we’ve mastered life yet, or are untouched by life’s troubles; however, we are discovering a way to ease some of the pain and connect with this source of strength that is accessible at all times.
The problem we run into is that our desire does not match the willingness of the other person to receive what we are offering. They may not be ready to adopt the perspective we are inviting them to consider. Even when we sense that the person in pain is not ready, we still want to help them. We just can’t sit back and let them suffer.
What to do?
I recently heard an interview with Elizabeth MacDonald, who teaches programs on spiritual awareness. The interviewer had mentioned to Elizabeth that his mother-in-law was ill and dying. He wanted desperately to help his wife and her mother to see the situation in a way that would alleviate some of their suffering. However, any attempts he made to give them a different perspective were unwelcome.
Elizabeth MacDonald offered the following insight to the interviewer, which I am paraphrasing here:
“Your calmness is the most you can give in this situation.”
I was immediately struck by the power and accuracy of her insight. Had the interviewer continued to “force” his beliefs and his perspective on his wife and mother-in-law, the overwhelming likelihood is that he would have caused them to suffer even more. They didn’t want to be “more spiritual” or to adopt his way of looking at the world.
But his calmness – this would be a most welcome gift. Why would anyone resist calmness? There is nothing to resist.
There is simply a soothing energy to calmness. Perhaps you’ve had an experience when your own thoughts and emotions were spinning out of control, and you felt better when you were in the presence of someone who is calm. The calm person didn’t have to say anything or do anything.
The mere presence of a centered, calm person changes the way others feel and act. It feels like the energy of the room is lighter and more expansive.
The mind tries to convince us that we need to say something clever to help a person who is struggling. We think we need to give them a strategy, a new outlook, or a pep talk.
Maybe the most you could possibly give in such a situation is your calmness. The ability to just be present, listen and be calm. It doesn’t matter how the other person reacts.
Coming from your calmness, you may speak some words. Or you might remain silent. In either event, you will be serving the person who is facing the tough situation. That person will feel better in your presence and experience more clarity.
So, the next time your mind is racing with how to help someone, consider giving them the gift of your calmness. It’s likely to be more effective than any sermon or strategies you could offer.
– Jeff Keller
© 2009